..yeah

Gah....waiting, is NOT one of my strong points. I swear I wanna jump off a freakin cliff right now thats how like yeah. Whatever this sucks. Blah...I aint got nothin else to say.

ETA

its tomorrow!!! ooops....so tomorrow I'll be a big ball o stress.

No sleep, no nothing.

Never got any sleep last night, I went to bed around 3 or 3:30 and I got woken up at 4-4:30ish by a storm. It got me to thinking, how lonley I can start to feel during one. I already feel fairly lonely, like I've stated before being single is great I'm quite happy this way. Yet during a storm, I just get so lonely for some companionship of some sort. I'm not used to being alone I guess, I'm used to having someone there with me since the ex's & I usually ended up shaking up together while being in a relationship. Last summer, I would cry and have panic attacks during storms. This summer it isnt that bad but still, it could be better. I wish I was one of those people who didnt still feel like having a panic attack and, who actually liked storms! I was never one for them, they say that to be afraid of something, then something in your past must've happend. I dont remember my past that much so I'm not sure as to what happend. Hmm, the thunder is rolling, its a little scary. I'm still not feeling anything, I get a few moments of fleeting giddyness and then, its gone and I'm back to nothingness. Its getting annoying. Hmph.

I cant feel....anything.

Right now, I dont feel anything. I dont feel sad, or bored or tired. I dont feel happy either. This isn't a weird feeling for me either, I sometimes dont feel anything at all for days. I was happy earlier, that has subsided for the time being I couldnt even watch a movie cause it was "boring" to me. I need something, to jumpstart my feelings again. I remember, after breaking up with my ex, I was numb for months I've self harmed before but it got worse after we had broken up. I cut to feel something and I'm scared that the longer I go not really feeling anything again the closer I'll get to cutting again. I dont want to start that again, especially since I've so many people happy for me that I'm clean from at least cutting. I dont know, I just dont know. I want to feel something I do, I just cant. I've been crying often lately, the littlest things will make me burst out into a tiny fit of teary eyes. I dont know what I can do to make myself feel something other than cutting right now, I mean writing how I feel (or dont feel) is helping somewhat, but I can feel myself wanting to slip back into that old habit. Earlier, I felt so bored & fustrated that I wanted to cut just for something to do and I know that is NOT healthy in the least. I'm not feeling suicidal or anything, even if I did at least it would be some sort of feeling right? At this point, I just dont feel anything inside. I feel my stomach growling but thats about it. I hate feeling this way, I really do.

Yuuus. GO ME!

I have an interview! GO me!!! Yup, that means...no more just sitting around, it means well (if i get the job!) that I can buy myself stuff! Like, that macbook pro and the Canon Rebel I want, VERY expensive things, OH! It also means, hehe, I can buy Christmas gifts to buy! Oh, oh I am exicted and nervous. Very nervous actually, just because I dont do too well in interviews, not sure why I just dont. Hmph, anyways I'm going to fool around on the comp, and remember Kandee's advice for "Getting over a guy"! Hehe, alright! I'm off for now.

Wish me lots of luck for the interview!!!

Random....Busy...FUN!

I've been UBER busy! I camped out 2 weekends ago, helped to cook for the feast! Then, that Monday I was busy doing laundry and packing for home (forgetting a few things there as well! hmmph). Tuesday we hit the road for home! We made it to Thunder Bay at around, 9pm. I was out by Midnight, woke up early to hit the road for HOME! Got home just before 5pm. I never got to sleep in my bed till Sunday night, why you might ask. Because, of storms. I'm not one for storms, never was. Anyways, this past weekend I was quite busy as well. I was out at the pow-wow both days. Saturday, oh my did it storm! We had 2 big ones, and we were outside for it!!! I surivived! A little shaken, but it wasnt anything too too bad. Sunday, BEAUTIFUL day, besides the rain, and killing the poor battery in the SUV whoops. Yeah, I saw a few shooting stars, was so nice. Got a video of the give away dance, had LOTS of laughs, got checked out a little. Oh, I guess thats something else, I've lost 12lbs! I also have a tan. Not bad for going away for a couple weeks huh?! Well, I think thats like everything a nutshell.

Tired.

Havent written in awhile. Ooops

Anyways, I'm home now. Glad to be here, and not glad. Its storming, been storming since we got home :(. I really dis-like storms, but anyways...Idk what I wanna say right now, I did last night but tonight I'm srsly tired. I've been getting little sleep lately due to being busy and travelling home and the storms. I'll write more sometime.

Do NOT want!

Weird, my ex's woman added me on facebook. My thought "why would I want to be friends with you?" I mean, I barely know her and for all I know, only reason she wants to be "friends" is to talk smack at me for talking to the ex again. I mean it was only twice that we talked, and it was basically all bs anyways. I dont want him back, she can have him! Sure I tossed around the idea in my head, but then it came back with "well, maybe if she never wanted him back and he was truly unhappy and blablabla) I came down from that quickly. He's not even my "type" anymore, I dont want someone like him in my life that way sure friends, great! It means we can at least be civil. With her, that wouldnt happen I dont need it to happen. I dont need that kinda drama in my life anymore, I can create my own tyvfm! I dont need someone coming and telling me to back off when theres nothing to back off from. I would tell her this, but then it gives her more incentive to actually want to talk to me, which I seriously do NOT want. Blah, anyways I seen the email "So and so has added you as a friend on facebook" and I was like, woah woah woah woah, no thanks! I havent denied it yet, so I'm not sure if I wanna add her on my life. Maybe limited profile, I wonder if theres a button so she cant send me messages or im's on there, that'd be wonderful. I think I might just block her, so that way she CAN'T contact me, now wouldnt that be pretty awesome. I think I'm going to shower and mull this over.