yeah...

Sooo

I still feel crappy. yay? Nah, not yay. Whatever though, ok so. School is still a go. I need to get out of here, but first I need to make money. So I'm taking a job thats nights. Its not that great of a job but its money & something else on my resume.

The way I feel, is so blah. Depressed almost, I feel like crying a lot. Over the silliest things, its so damn stupid. I just want to be happy, or content. I want to smile without having to force it, I dont want my inside to be hurting while my outside has to look happy. It shows in my eyes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I just dont want to fake it, I want to be it. I dont know what else to say...

I...dont know

What I want to do with anything

Theres basically no jobs here that I want.

This sucks

I feel crappy.


Blah

My house - the future

So, I want to build my own house. I kinda know what I want it to look like. I'll try to explain it to the best that I can.

I want, 4 rooms, 3 bath. 3 rooms upstairs, and one downstairs. The kitchen would be big, with an island and a double door fridge - all black/steel coloured with the doors & such wood - in homage to my dad. I want a nice dining room with a big table & lots of chairs. The master bedroom would be big enough for a full walk in closet, and a bathroom with a shower & jacuzzi bath 2 sinks & enough storage for all my crap. The other 3 bedrooms would be big enough for a baby to grow into a child, then into a teenager. The bottom floor bedroom would be the same style, but with the bathroom just outside the door not sure if I want to have my (future) daughter or son in that room yet. I also want an indoor/outdoor pool - my clan is the otter and we LOVE water. I even want a HUGE tank so I can live in the shower almost. I also want the walls well insulated since I'm not a fan of thunderstorms. I want a nice big living room with a kickin entertainment system along with surround sound installed. The basement would be the "hangout spot" with some cool features so my kids dont have to go out to find the fun, it'd be at home. I also want a big enough property where I could have my own little farm with horses & such. If I could have the house where I grew up in, or something like it. That'd be awesome.

My wedding - the future.

I still have loads of time to think of these things. I just like to fantasize about them. So, here goes. What I would like for, future wedding - house. This might be long, so I might split it into two. Yeah, this one will be my wedding that I would love to have some day. Btw, I'll be using "her" "she" and the like, instead of I.

So, what I would love is two weddings, one in the church where I grew up all both of our families there helping to celebrate in our love. The other, is a traditional wedding with a few people there some family that means the world to me - and a few family friends.

The church wedding well lets see. Start at the beginning I suppose, best place to start in any story right? She want a few bridesmaids - my sister (MoH), bestfriends 3 of them. 2 cousins all wearing, something of the same colour but not the same dress. Something that would suit them and their styles. She'd walk down the isle wearing something that she designed, to a beautiful instrumental piece and then she'd see him - the love of her life smiling at her as he sees his soon to be wife looking very gorgeous with a bouquet of calla lillies and babys breath - and hibiscus in her hair in a crown with a veil over her face - brother & mother walking her down by her side ready to give her away. We'd say our vows in front of God and their family & friends.

The reception would be at the Old Fort, in the big room. Food cooked and tasted & tested by the bride & groom. The cake would be gorgeous, only 3 tiers with 3 layers in each tier of the most delicious tasting cake & filling ever. Something simple & elegant. We would have all the little ones out by a certain time with the babysitters & someone to drive them to a hotel or the like. Then all the adults could party it up. With an open bar & a rockin DJ playing requests & songs that the wedding party put together. Then the newly weds would take off to somewhere to celebrate their new life together as a married couple.

A few days later, they would return. Having their closest friends & family around for the traditional wedding. She would get her stepdad to help her choose someone to bring them together as one in the spirit world. They'd wear traditional clothings and have a drum group there to bring her in with a beautiful song. Then there would be the feast pot luck style, with a cake made by the bride & her family. They then would all sit around, talking & laughing over coffee & cigarettes.

Thats what I want for my wedding(s). A girl can dream, right?

Random, eurgh.

Loads of stuff I need to get out there.

Apparently, my ex beats up his girlfriend. I guess, my uncles girlfriend is friends with her, and she told her who told him who told my stepdad who told my mom. I'm, sad for him and her especially since she's pregnant with his child. She is not the smartest if she stays, its just stupid to put her 2 little ones and this one through that lifestyle. Its not fair to them, or her. I got the better end of the deal, he just cheated on me - he never did beat me. I dont really like her, since she did help him cheat on me. No person, deserves that - someone putting their hands on them in a violent manner.

I have family members who have gambling problems. One of them I was told about last night, and it shocked me. The way they go about it, is wrong. Just, disappointed in that person.

I do have something, thats generally making me a tad happier. Not say what or who it is though, just that the conversations are fun. That person is fun, and I smile when I think of that person. Not unusal for me, so I'm taking it slow. Not letting myself get in too deep, I dont want to get hurt, and we're not even together so theres nothing for me to get too exicted about.


ALSO. WTF CANADA (Ottawa). Sending out body bags, I mean sure its measure but one of the Elders said its a bad omen. I'm not happy about this, why not send out more preventive measures instead of a fuckin body bag. It makes me so angry/sad that Ottawa did this, and I'm crying. I am not impressed, neither am I suprised. I mean, BODY BAGS for creators sake. They could send out other things, instead of that. I guess the health minister for the FN people are looking into it. Some people are so freakin ignorant as well, reading the comments on some news sites. I'm sorry this is going to sound, really rude. They dont know what they're talking about, the ones who arent First Nation complaining about us a few even said Canada would be better off with us dead. Like we dont expierence enough racism, for someone online to say that. It just (in the words of Peter) really grinds my gears.


I think thats it, didnt help but meh.

Gaah.

At work. I'm about to burst into tears. I'm in such an unhappy mood. I'm trying to NOT cry right now. 10 more minutes then I can lock the door, put the phones on hold and have lunch. Everyone is gone for a lunchon that I didnt go to, why because I'm on my period and I am way too emotional & crampy to sit with a bunch of people for a fucking hour & a half. I DID want to go for lunch with my mom but she took off to said lunchon. She phones, tells me theres a lunch at the local friendship center, thinking I'd want to go there. Uhm NO, my ex might be there WITH his WOMAN! Like I wanna see them, get real. Fuck that, I do NOT wanna see him. So, I'm stuck here. Alone, and bored and bitchy. Yay, ugh. I hate feeling so damn emotional.
Today, is going to suck. I can feel it already

*cries*

Silly, silly silly.

Warning: Stupid silly rant!!!


Alright, I'm tired! Its 20 to 2am. My stepdad, is in here watching TV. He should be asleep as well. I cant sleep in my room, 2 reasons. 1 - I seen a spider in there about 2 weeks ago? Too scared to sleep in my bed. 2 - Its messy, like REALLY messy my bed has a TON of stuff on it, and I am too damn lazy to move it all. The couch, pretty comfy to sleep on so I sleep on there. I am also VERY pmsy right now, like I'm fustrated and tired and pissy. I'm also not the type to tell him to GTFO so I can sleep. I feel like sayin it but I wont. I'm sure he'll sleep soon but right now it is NOT soon enough. Thats it my silly rant. Its not helping to make me feel better -booooo- >.<

Moving?

So, we have to move. We were givin our notice a few weeks back, the school thats across the field has bought out the whole place here. Meaning, we as tenants have to be out by March. So I think they would like to be out before winter, at least that would be nice since that way we wouldnt have to move in the cold. I honestly think they're better off renting out a house theres a few for rent but I'm sure thost places are a little expensive. Heard that there was an apartment for rent, the rent was $1000!!! For a 2 bedroom with a washer/dryer inside! Thats abusurd, we're paying I think around $800 for a 3 bedroom trailer! They might even be better off buying a freakin house around here. If they did & I got a job I would so help out with bills & stuff, even giving them money for the house. My mom said she might get boxes today so we can start packing stuff up. I want the stuff in my closet packed up since I dont use anything in there anyways. Pack it up, and clean it out as well. Most of the stuff I had from when I lived on my own is packed away already so no need to worry about that. Hmm, I think my mom & Vic should make a list of what they want in a place and look for something that has what they want. I know they want a 1 story, with a basement. I want a 2 story, haha. Well my stepdad will be going to a sweat tonight so we can do that later on, me & her. I cant wait to move, into a new house then next year to a new town! One thing that sucks, is they dont have central heating, we use baseboards & oil & some people have wood stoves here for heating its "too far north" to have that type of heating with a furnace. Anyways, thats it..

...random

So yeah. I've been thinking. So this is gunna be random. I dunno, theres this guy, hes sweet & all but he flirts with other girls. I know hes not mine but him telling me all this stuff is bound to get into my head & make me think things meanwhile he might have 4-5 other girls on the side. I dont want to date him, well I'm not sure if I do. I'm confused. I just dont want to get hurt again, cause it REALLY sucks having a broken heart. I was told earlier that I should be "over" my ex, I am. I'm not over how badly my heart was broken though its still not healed. I still cry over it I still get angry when I think of how I cried for nights and nights on end. I thought it was my fault I still wonder that. I hope that I'll be over how badly I was hurt, so I can fully move on with my life and maybe find someone that I'd be willing to make a future with. I also worry that I wont find that person, that I'll end up alone and unhappy with my life cause of the way I keep people out. I have a very hard time letting people in, like REALLY inside me. I let people in some of the way but then its like I put up this, wall and stop them from getting too close to hurt me. I can care about someone immensly but letting someone care about me that much is hard.

I'm gunna leave with one of my new favourite songs.

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

..yeah

Gah....waiting, is NOT one of my strong points. I swear I wanna jump off a freakin cliff right now thats how like yeah. Whatever this sucks. Blah...I aint got nothin else to say.

ETA

its tomorrow!!! ooops....so tomorrow I'll be a big ball o stress.