A new beginning *cheers*

So, all this "depression" crap. I've decided to be happy. Well, I'm going to try my damnest to be happy. To start a new start on life, start taking care of myself. Start smiling more. I'm even going to forget that I was ever heart broken and to throw myself out into the wind and let it carry me where it may. Any opportunities that come up, if it seems good I'll do it. I need a change, a big one. Thats coming, next year moving away for school. Going somewhere new, somewhere - where I can "be". I cant wait, its going to be amazing I think. I just want my heart to be full and bursting and love those closest to me as much as I can. To maybe even see if that person thinks of me in "that way" if he does, who knows what can happen if not there are other people out there that will accept me for me. I'll have my moments I'm sure but I'd rather deal with those as they come instead of dwelling on it. I want try new things, experience the unknown. Go where no man has gone before! *cough* sorry, got carried away there. I want to fall in love hard and love immensley. I figured out something else, that I have another reason to live, my neice I would never ever put her parents in the position of asking where her auntie went and break her heart that someone who loved her so much, didnt love herself enough. Ah, thats another thing I am going to love myself and be amazing at it! Haha. I want to start something creative, do something spectecular and amaze everyone. I just want this whole next year, even after the new year, to be great. Its starting now, everything I'm typing is making my heart burst with happyness. I'm going to forget about my ex & his drama and leave it be, let it rest in the past where it belongs, I dont need it nor want it in my life. Got that, I dont want it or him! I miss the relationship but not him. Not ever. I just want to move on and be happy with my future - its going to be amazing and I cant wait for it. Its going to be one hell of a ride but so worth it so so worth it. School, next year it has to be right I can feel it I really hope that I dont crash & fail but if I do I'll try something else, until I succeed and rise to the top and amaze even myself. I dont want to be my worst critic anymore.

I thank Kandee Johnson for giving me the inspiration for this, and bringing light and laughter into my life when I've been upset or depressed. You've inspired me to be happy and to go for what I want in life. Kandee is one of my biggest role models. *smiles big as she finishes this post*

Birthday

It started off shitty, my moms sick. She was throwing up sick. I tried to sleep, again I cried. Same reasons almost I feel ignored & not cared about. Like no one gives a flying donkey about me and that if it wasnt for my mom I wouldnt be living right now. Dont get me wrong I love my family, and my siblings immensley its just, they're not enough for me to keep living. I have no other reasons to live, I have no real goals no spouse no children nothing thats enough for me to just care. I know my mom couldnt bare to lose me (at least I think). I feel like crying but I'm numb again inside. I was happy yesterday, and it changed. I dont even care thats its my birthday, only reason why people wished me one was cause its on facebook & cause I promted them with "OMG ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" and I cant even muster up enough to care IRL. I cried hard, I sobbed silently so I wouldnt have anyone asking me "whats wrong". I cant be sad or mad here, I get chastised for feeling like that I get asked "why are you a grouch" or get told to cheer up. I dont want to be miss sunshine 24/7 I cant, thats not me. I have a feeling that this is a mixture of PMS & depression, so I'm going to make an appt with my doctor. I want to feel better and sleep better. I might ask to be put on some type of anti-depressant & a sleeping pill. Its pissing me off that I'm so unhappy & that I cry almost nightly. I cry over everything that I cant say out loud for fear of being rejected (refer to the post below this). I muck things up a lot. I always do, even with my writing it bounces around so much but I type what I'm feeling so I cant help it. I wish I could organize my thoughts better. I'm tired but I cant sleep I even took 2 motrin to help me sleep and deal with my cramps. I also realized something else, if my house were to ever go up in flames I'd want to be inside the house as well. I couldnt bear to live without my dad's pictures - those can never ever be replaced neither can I but whatever. I'd just want to go quickly, smoke inhilation so I dont feel the burning. Everything else whatever, but the stuff of my dad - couldnt and wouldnt want to live without it. Ugh, this post is just full of self-pity & depression. Sorry for that, but I need to get this out somewhere...if I ever die I'll have someone delete these, as well as everything else online and destory hard drives...Mmmm, anyways. I dont know...

Give sleep a try

So, I had a freak out awhile ago. I was tryina sleep and I kept thinking (dont'cha hate that?)...Anyways, I started crying and inside my head I was screaming. Like, just that I push people away I build walls and its not to keep anyone out, its to see who gives a damn to be let in. The more I push & build the more I want someone in. Its a vicious cycle and I'm going to end up alone because of it. I just want someone to give a damn about me, enough to actually care. I dont mean online, I want someone to care in real life. I'm also scared that people will find out that I'm not worth it. Even when I talk to people, I'm met with "mmm's" and nods of the head, and they wonder why I'm so socially awkward. I'm not givin a chance to speak whats on my mind. I feel like no one ever really cares what I have to say, that I'm not worth finding out. I hold back, a lot. With everything, how I'm really feeling - what I want to say and what I'm thinking. I never say what I truely want to say, because I'm so scared that I'll be rejected or something. I've always been "shy" its not just shyness, its my being awkward. I'm soo scared that I wont find someone who finds me worthy of what I'm truely feeling and saying. I just want someone to want to give a damn about me, not just idle chat or anything but to be there, no matter what. No matter how fucked up I might think or do things. How lazy I seem or whatever. It sucks, it really sucks feeling the way I do. I'll end up alone because of it, because of the shit I do and how I do it. I sorta blame my childhood too, the way I was brought up almost. No one hearing me, or listening to me. I've always been someone to just stay at home instead of going out to meet new people. Its just the way I am I guess, socially awkward and bound to be alone.


Blah, the joys of insomia, freak outs no sleep, and a post that makes no fuckin sense.....Oh, and a headache as big as texas... :(


Oh, my birthday is on Tuesday (I bet it'll be shitastic - no one to celebrate with, parents work nights...no one to drink with, no one to do anything with. Its gunna suck the big one....yay :()