Happy New Year

Last blog post of the year, crazy. This year has been filled with a lot of good, and a lot of bad. I really hope that this coming year is better. I also hope that my friend phones me tonight, otherwise I'll spend my New Year's Eve right here, at this computer. Fun fun, missed the LCBO wanted to get a little somethin' somethin' but nope, wasn't meant to be right now I suppose, so hopefully I get a phone call asking me to go hang out. Aaaaaaaaaanyways thats it I guess.


Happy New Year
love to whoever comes here & reads my dinky blog.

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone around the world has an awesome Holiday season, that their Christmas' and whatever they may celebrate is filled with family and friends and joy and laughter. I hope that if you asked for gifts that you get what you want - and may you give out the gifts that they want as well after all giving is more fun than receiving!


Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays & Happy New Year!

WOAH

I can get dramatic. That last post I don't remember that. Oh damn haha, I promise I'm not like that. I'm happy I am, last night must've gotten a little iffy for me. Oops? Haha, oh well I'm just fine! I WILL find someone, I know it. Wow, haha discard that last one!

Was happy

I had a good night, drank had fun. Whatever, was fun.

Now I feel like crap

Nothing special

No one will ever want me, love me.

It's how I feel so please don't make me feel better about this. I just feel like, because I'm "damaged goods" that no one will ever want me again. Simple as that, I'm un-loveable and at this moment I'm alright with that, because it means I'll never get hurt again - no one will ever get that close to me AGAIN - close enough to break my heart. I'm going to start keeping those walls up again so I won't get hurt. Simple, easy painless. Just like the death I hope for myself.

This should be in my other blog...

I'm just too lazy go over to that one.

Anyways, I guess I've kinda figured out what I want to do in life. I want to do photography for a few years and become somewhat successful in that - well I want to make a name for myself really, not famous famous, but kinda Ian Ruther who's known for his awesome photos - and do that and have fun while I take beautiful photos. Then I want to start a family, maybe I'll find "the one" while I'm out traveling around the world shooting photos for fashion mags. Then I want to settle down and, go back to school for Interior Design and I want to do that, I didn't realize it was something I'd be into but thinking back I have a really good eye for detail and I know what colours go with what, and I'm fairly good at coming up with organizational stuff. That's what I'd love to fall back on and do while I raise a family. I know that I want to do creative things with my life, and leave my mark in some small way. I just figured all this out while talking to my ex, he was really pushing me to figure it out in a subtle way and it just was like one of those "Aha!" moments - where it all comes together in some way. I'm a little iffy about telling people, cause me & my friend LOL'd over me being a "Martha Stewart" or a "Debbie Travis" but I love those shows on like HGTV where they re-do rooms & houses. Even Holmes on Homes I love, it reminds me of my Dad & brother. I guess, it's in my blood. It feels a little scary & amazing knowing -at least sort of- what I want to do with my life.

Christmas - About you.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Either or, doesn't really matter.


2. Real tree or Artificial? I'd love real but my sisters passed down small tree does just fine!


3. When do you put up the tree? Mid-December


4. When do you take the tree down? The week after New Year


5. Do you like eggnog? Mmmm yes

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Disney VHS

7. Hardest person to buy for? My brothers


8. Easiest person to buy for? My Mom

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yep, we have one every year under the tree

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Christmas Cards (sending them out!)

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Earphones.


12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Charlie Brown


13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have the money


14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Hah, yes, my ex's gift I got him. I'll be giving it to my brothers instead.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Turkey!

16. Lights on the tree? Yup, coloured ones.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Last Christmas - Glee Cast


18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home, unless I was going to my Gramas

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Dancer - (these ones I googled) Comet, Donner & Blitzen.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? A star

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One gift Christmas Eve, and all the other Christmas Morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Not having money for gifts

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? My Mom's old wooden ones.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey!

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? See my "Christmas Wishlist" for that, oh maybe some Lush products, and the Clinique 3 step skin care system.

Just Dance

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, iPod, MP3 Player, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
Like Me - Girlicious

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
I Don't Remember - Ciara

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Tootsie Roll - 2 Live Crew

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Rock Show - Lady Gaga

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Butter's Lovin' Feeling - Northern Cree

WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Inevitable - Anberlin

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Make it Hot - Crystal Castles VS Uffie

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
If it Works - Tokyo Police Club

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
We Made You - Eminem

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Please Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Coffee Shop Soundtrack - All Time Low

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
What It Is - Sophia Fresh ft Kanye West

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Lips of an Angel - Hinder

WHAT WILL/DID YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Scars - Papa Roach

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I Love College - Asher Roth

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Sticks, Stones & Techno - All Time Low

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR
Use Me - Hinder

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Holler - Spice Girls

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Death - White Lies

WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
HoeDown ThrowDown - Miley Cyrus (ooomggg LMAO)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Ooh Ooh Baby - Britney Spears

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Elevator - Flo Rids & Timbaland

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
There's Nothing - The DEY

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Stupid Shit - Girlicious

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Rompe - Daddy Yankee

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Gangsta Luv - Snoop Dogg

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Can't Believe It - T-Pain ft Lil Wayne

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Just Dance (Offishall remix) Lady Gaga ft Kardinal Offishall

Wishlist!!

So...I'm excited I suppose. Get to see my niece pretty soon. Tired but suffering from insomnia the past few days. Also waiting to see if what I have turns into strep throat. What else, oh I have piercing plans for next year. Tongue & Snakebites! Also a tattoo sometime in the future. Anyways gunna write down my Christmas Wish List here. :D ...Like I said a WISH LIST cause, even though I wont get what I want I can still wish for it!! Hehehe.

• Coastal Scents 88 Pallets (all 3) Plus the Camo Quad
• iPod Touch
• Vampire Diaries books
• PostSecret books
• Stuff from Glitzy Glam.com
• Coach Bag from the Poppy Collection - Tartan Glam Tote
• Socks
• Shirts & sweater & jeans & jammie pants (cotton plz)
• New pillows!!! Ugh...my neck & shoulders hurt when I wake up
• A man, lol jokes
• A Wii OMG!! Yeah dude ...dont judge me! 
  

Yeah, thats about it. Haha, not a whole lot the stuff that you'd have to order online I know I will not get. It sucks but, meh. whatever! I still "wish" for them. 

Uh yeah

I don't know.

School, life. Worried, stressed. Sums it up pretty well, I'm getting worried about myself again and my health. Buuut its okay I suppose.


MEN & myself.

Ugh, a rant of sorts. Why are men the way they are? There's a few people that I have interest in. One of them disappears off the face of the internet. The other is alive (Thank-god I was so worried) but not talking to me, the other is just himself. At time's he is so sweet, others. Yeah, not so much. I choose the best don't I? First love - leaves me for his baby mama. Another, leaves me for his baby mama I think I see a pattern here. Another, left me in the middle of the night, and now I can't get a man for the life of me. They alll seem to like me. I put up walls, I push them away but I crave the attention. Oh lordy do I ever crave it. I push them away because of a few things, scared of getting hurt or rejected. Also scared of something else which Idk if I wanna disclose here. ANYWAYS I'm tired of it SOOOoo TIRED omg. It is just bull poopy now. Yeah WHATEVER MAN.


FUCK IT. WhaaaaaatEVER, I'm sick of it sick and fucking tirrred. Blah, fuck my life. Fuck it upside down and inside out. Whatever, men, women life. FUCK IT ALL


*note, this is a rant. I'm not gunna go do something stupid.*

-shrugs-

I feel like cutting again, I feel like crap. I feel stupid, worthless. Dumb, fat, ugly. Every worst thought I've ever had, I feel it. How wonderful it would be to just shut everything off, shut it down. Lay down and never get up again, peacefully like a catapiller in a cacoon only there would be no beautiful butterfly. Nothingness, just nothing. No pain, no ups and downs no lying about anything anymore. I wish I could do it, I cant. Too scared to leave. Too scared to leave behind the ones that "love" me. I feel tired, I feel broken again. I doubt anyone - even myself- can ever put the pieces back to where they belong. Some have just gone, others are there but too small to mend.

It hurts.

"On the happier side" Hah, I must be trying to lie to myself. It was working, not now. Nope.

Its a big one

OK so I've been like thinking (I know, such a huge feat). Anyways, like school next year, I might go into University instead of College, just because with a degree you can do anything with a diploma you can't really. Holy fuck though, I'm scared! I'm so scared to fail. I can't fail at this, I really can't cause then some of my family it'll be like "Oh yeah, she fails at a lot of things, unlike her cousin who is in college and studying to be a nurse". Yeah, its hard to try to be great at something when there's others who are amazing at it. I'll try my best though, and I am excited for it.

I've also been thinking, well I got some advice I suppose from someone on a different site and he asked if I'd ever consider going to see someone like a therapist or something I didn't all I considered was telling my doctor so I can get some meds to level out my moods. I get especially moody and suicidal around my periods, I mean if you've read my past posts especially around my birthday I was completely moody like, crying so hard and freaking out having panic attacks almost.

So I think I might see someone about these things, I need help with it. I need better coping skills other then self harm. I might not cut anymore but I still suffer from Dermatillomania which if you don't know is skin picking, I bite my lips, and pick at scabs and I used to suffer from Trichotillomania which is where you pick at hair, I still do it sometimes, especially when I am more stressed than usual. As I'm sitting here typing I'm biting my lips because I've dried them out by licking them so I can pick at them to make them smooth again. I can't deal with my emotions properly anymore, I bottle them up and try to hide it from everyone.  I also, build these walls I don't let people in (like I've stated before) but in the long run it will hurt more than help me. So I really need some help with everything.

Other than that, things are still going good. I've been up and down with my moods again, but mostly constant on the happier side of things. Which is a good thing, at least I'm not numb anymore I'm feeling things again. A huge relief, like a huge one because I really hate being numb and not caring. It is not fun for me, I like smiling and being happy.

OK so yeah, this has been hugely long. Still waiting to hear about the house! They were apparently busy today, maybe I'll update whenever we hear about it.

I have nothing else to say I guess.

My parents..

Are in the process of trying to buy a house, we went there on Sunday to check it out, it needs work. There are some things that we love, and some that we don't. The counter tops need to be replaced, the deck in the back will need to be redone next year as well as the roof those are the only major things that need to be done. Other than its just minor things such as the flooring in the living room and the 2 of the bedrooms I think a couple coats of paint and new hardwear on the kitchen cabinets, as well as the baseboards needing to be replaced. The back yard will need to be leveled out thats easy enough its not all grass though they could put down sod if they wanted at some point. I have my dads eye for things I notice the little things that others wouldn't normally. Like the light fixture thats missing a piece and the sink thats a little too shallow and the tap that should be replaced. The bathrooms need a little TLC, a good wipe down with some bleach and it should be alright. It really is a nice place, its bigger than this one, but the living room and kitchen feels smaller. I like that the master bedroom has its own bathroom and that the room that I'd like is close to the other bathroom in the house. It has a lot of natural light and we have a deck with sliding doors, oh those will need to be redone or something as well. I showed my mom the homeowners site on http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/tx/ndvdls/sgmnts/hmwnr/menu-eng.html it has a lot of good ideas and since they're both not new homeowners but new homeowners together it should be something they look at. I'm excited for them, and for myself I guess. Tomorrow they find out for sure about it. I think I've rambled on enough this was just supposed to be a list of what should be done, and what needs to be done around that house. I hope paint isn't very expensive I would like to repaint the bedroom. Haha

Alright...read on

Yes, its been awhile! So, nothing much is new around here. I'm happier that's for sure so that is a good thing. What else, oh my mom & stepdad are looking to buy a house. There's this trailer they're looking at it seems pretty nice, I mean I myself want a nice 2 story house with my own bathroom haha. Ah well its their choice right? Christmas is right around the corner!! OMG! Crazy, this year has gone by quickly. I'm 23 already wow. Yeah, so that guy that I sorta fancied yea that didn't fall through at all. He started to see someone else, and I never got to tell him that I like(d) him. I wish I would've said something sooner but was scared, I shouldn't be so scared to tell someone something. Although I do think that there is someone out there, who I wont be scared to tell them just how I feel and that person just might be the one for me. He'll be so much better than those who I've been with before, and he'll be amazing! I'm sure of it. It's bound to happen after all the crap I've put up with over these past few years! Aah what else, oh I'm using Firefox now (yeah yeah, new user I used to use IE before but, bleh to that!) I love it, it's amazing. Uh yeah. School next year, yada yada read my other blog for that. Tsh tsh tsh, what else. Nothing I guess.

----------------
Now playing: MIley Cyrus - Party In The U.S.A. - Official Music Video (HD)
via FoxyTunes

A new beginning *cheers*

So, all this "depression" crap. I've decided to be happy. Well, I'm going to try my damnest to be happy. To start a new start on life, start taking care of myself. Start smiling more. I'm even going to forget that I was ever heart broken and to throw myself out into the wind and let it carry me where it may. Any opportunities that come up, if it seems good I'll do it. I need a change, a big one. Thats coming, next year moving away for school. Going somewhere new, somewhere - where I can "be". I cant wait, its going to be amazing I think. I just want my heart to be full and bursting and love those closest to me as much as I can. To maybe even see if that person thinks of me in "that way" if he does, who knows what can happen if not there are other people out there that will accept me for me. I'll have my moments I'm sure but I'd rather deal with those as they come instead of dwelling on it. I want try new things, experience the unknown. Go where no man has gone before! *cough* sorry, got carried away there. I want to fall in love hard and love immensley. I figured out something else, that I have another reason to live, my neice I would never ever put her parents in the position of asking where her auntie went and break her heart that someone who loved her so much, didnt love herself enough. Ah, thats another thing I am going to love myself and be amazing at it! Haha. I want to start something creative, do something spectecular and amaze everyone. I just want this whole next year, even after the new year, to be great. Its starting now, everything I'm typing is making my heart burst with happyness. I'm going to forget about my ex & his drama and leave it be, let it rest in the past where it belongs, I dont need it nor want it in my life. Got that, I dont want it or him! I miss the relationship but not him. Not ever. I just want to move on and be happy with my future - its going to be amazing and I cant wait for it. Its going to be one hell of a ride but so worth it so so worth it. School, next year it has to be right I can feel it I really hope that I dont crash & fail but if I do I'll try something else, until I succeed and rise to the top and amaze even myself. I dont want to be my worst critic anymore.

I thank Kandee Johnson for giving me the inspiration for this, and bringing light and laughter into my life when I've been upset or depressed. You've inspired me to be happy and to go for what I want in life. Kandee is one of my biggest role models. *smiles big as she finishes this post*

Birthday

It started off shitty, my moms sick. She was throwing up sick. I tried to sleep, again I cried. Same reasons almost I feel ignored & not cared about. Like no one gives a flying donkey about me and that if it wasnt for my mom I wouldnt be living right now. Dont get me wrong I love my family, and my siblings immensley its just, they're not enough for me to keep living. I have no other reasons to live, I have no real goals no spouse no children nothing thats enough for me to just care. I know my mom couldnt bare to lose me (at least I think). I feel like crying but I'm numb again inside. I was happy yesterday, and it changed. I dont even care thats its my birthday, only reason why people wished me one was cause its on facebook & cause I promted them with "OMG ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" and I cant even muster up enough to care IRL. I cried hard, I sobbed silently so I wouldnt have anyone asking me "whats wrong". I cant be sad or mad here, I get chastised for feeling like that I get asked "why are you a grouch" or get told to cheer up. I dont want to be miss sunshine 24/7 I cant, thats not me. I have a feeling that this is a mixture of PMS & depression, so I'm going to make an appt with my doctor. I want to feel better and sleep better. I might ask to be put on some type of anti-depressant & a sleeping pill. Its pissing me off that I'm so unhappy & that I cry almost nightly. I cry over everything that I cant say out loud for fear of being rejected (refer to the post below this). I muck things up a lot. I always do, even with my writing it bounces around so much but I type what I'm feeling so I cant help it. I wish I could organize my thoughts better. I'm tired but I cant sleep I even took 2 motrin to help me sleep and deal with my cramps. I also realized something else, if my house were to ever go up in flames I'd want to be inside the house as well. I couldnt bear to live without my dad's pictures - those can never ever be replaced neither can I but whatever. I'd just want to go quickly, smoke inhilation so I dont feel the burning. Everything else whatever, but the stuff of my dad - couldnt and wouldnt want to live without it. Ugh, this post is just full of self-pity & depression. Sorry for that, but I need to get this out somewhere...if I ever die I'll have someone delete these, as well as everything else online and destory hard drives...Mmmm, anyways. I dont know...

Give sleep a try

So, I had a freak out awhile ago. I was tryina sleep and I kept thinking (dont'cha hate that?)...Anyways, I started crying and inside my head I was screaming. Like, just that I push people away I build walls and its not to keep anyone out, its to see who gives a damn to be let in. The more I push & build the more I want someone in. Its a vicious cycle and I'm going to end up alone because of it. I just want someone to give a damn about me, enough to actually care. I dont mean online, I want someone to care in real life. I'm also scared that people will find out that I'm not worth it. Even when I talk to people, I'm met with "mmm's" and nods of the head, and they wonder why I'm so socially awkward. I'm not givin a chance to speak whats on my mind. I feel like no one ever really cares what I have to say, that I'm not worth finding out. I hold back, a lot. With everything, how I'm really feeling - what I want to say and what I'm thinking. I never say what I truely want to say, because I'm so scared that I'll be rejected or something. I've always been "shy" its not just shyness, its my being awkward. I'm soo scared that I wont find someone who finds me worthy of what I'm truely feeling and saying. I just want someone to want to give a damn about me, not just idle chat or anything but to be there, no matter what. No matter how fucked up I might think or do things. How lazy I seem or whatever. It sucks, it really sucks feeling the way I do. I'll end up alone because of it, because of the shit I do and how I do it. I sorta blame my childhood too, the way I was brought up almost. No one hearing me, or listening to me. I've always been someone to just stay at home instead of going out to meet new people. Its just the way I am I guess, socially awkward and bound to be alone.


Blah, the joys of insomia, freak outs no sleep, and a post that makes no fuckin sense.....Oh, and a headache as big as texas... :(


Oh, my birthday is on Tuesday (I bet it'll be shitastic - no one to celebrate with, parents work nights...no one to drink with, no one to do anything with. Its gunna suck the big one....yay :()

yeah...

Sooo

I still feel crappy. yay? Nah, not yay. Whatever though, ok so. School is still a go. I need to get out of here, but first I need to make money. So I'm taking a job thats nights. Its not that great of a job but its money & something else on my resume.

The way I feel, is so blah. Depressed almost, I feel like crying a lot. Over the silliest things, its so damn stupid. I just want to be happy, or content. I want to smile without having to force it, I dont want my inside to be hurting while my outside has to look happy. It shows in my eyes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I just dont want to fake it, I want to be it. I dont know what else to say...

I...dont know

What I want to do with anything

Theres basically no jobs here that I want.

This sucks

I feel crappy.


Blah

My house - the future

So, I want to build my own house. I kinda know what I want it to look like. I'll try to explain it to the best that I can.

I want, 4 rooms, 3 bath. 3 rooms upstairs, and one downstairs. The kitchen would be big, with an island and a double door fridge - all black/steel coloured with the doors & such wood - in homage to my dad. I want a nice dining room with a big table & lots of chairs. The master bedroom would be big enough for a full walk in closet, and a bathroom with a shower & jacuzzi bath 2 sinks & enough storage for all my crap. The other 3 bedrooms would be big enough for a baby to grow into a child, then into a teenager. The bottom floor bedroom would be the same style, but with the bathroom just outside the door not sure if I want to have my (future) daughter or son in that room yet. I also want an indoor/outdoor pool - my clan is the otter and we LOVE water. I even want a HUGE tank so I can live in the shower almost. I also want the walls well insulated since I'm not a fan of thunderstorms. I want a nice big living room with a kickin entertainment system along with surround sound installed. The basement would be the "hangout spot" with some cool features so my kids dont have to go out to find the fun, it'd be at home. I also want a big enough property where I could have my own little farm with horses & such. If I could have the house where I grew up in, or something like it. That'd be awesome.

My wedding - the future.

I still have loads of time to think of these things. I just like to fantasize about them. So, here goes. What I would like for, future wedding - house. This might be long, so I might split it into two. Yeah, this one will be my wedding that I would love to have some day. Btw, I'll be using "her" "she" and the like, instead of I.

So, what I would love is two weddings, one in the church where I grew up all both of our families there helping to celebrate in our love. The other, is a traditional wedding with a few people there some family that means the world to me - and a few family friends.

The church wedding well lets see. Start at the beginning I suppose, best place to start in any story right? She want a few bridesmaids - my sister (MoH), bestfriends 3 of them. 2 cousins all wearing, something of the same colour but not the same dress. Something that would suit them and their styles. She'd walk down the isle wearing something that she designed, to a beautiful instrumental piece and then she'd see him - the love of her life smiling at her as he sees his soon to be wife looking very gorgeous with a bouquet of calla lillies and babys breath - and hibiscus in her hair in a crown with a veil over her face - brother & mother walking her down by her side ready to give her away. We'd say our vows in front of God and their family & friends.

The reception would be at the Old Fort, in the big room. Food cooked and tasted & tested by the bride & groom. The cake would be gorgeous, only 3 tiers with 3 layers in each tier of the most delicious tasting cake & filling ever. Something simple & elegant. We would have all the little ones out by a certain time with the babysitters & someone to drive them to a hotel or the like. Then all the adults could party it up. With an open bar & a rockin DJ playing requests & songs that the wedding party put together. Then the newly weds would take off to somewhere to celebrate their new life together as a married couple.

A few days later, they would return. Having their closest friends & family around for the traditional wedding. She would get her stepdad to help her choose someone to bring them together as one in the spirit world. They'd wear traditional clothings and have a drum group there to bring her in with a beautiful song. Then there would be the feast pot luck style, with a cake made by the bride & her family. They then would all sit around, talking & laughing over coffee & cigarettes.

Thats what I want for my wedding(s). A girl can dream, right?

Random, eurgh.

Loads of stuff I need to get out there.

Apparently, my ex beats up his girlfriend. I guess, my uncles girlfriend is friends with her, and she told her who told him who told my stepdad who told my mom. I'm, sad for him and her especially since she's pregnant with his child. She is not the smartest if she stays, its just stupid to put her 2 little ones and this one through that lifestyle. Its not fair to them, or her. I got the better end of the deal, he just cheated on me - he never did beat me. I dont really like her, since she did help him cheat on me. No person, deserves that - someone putting their hands on them in a violent manner.

I have family members who have gambling problems. One of them I was told about last night, and it shocked me. The way they go about it, is wrong. Just, disappointed in that person.

I do have something, thats generally making me a tad happier. Not say what or who it is though, just that the conversations are fun. That person is fun, and I smile when I think of that person. Not unusal for me, so I'm taking it slow. Not letting myself get in too deep, I dont want to get hurt, and we're not even together so theres nothing for me to get too exicted about.


ALSO. WTF CANADA (Ottawa). Sending out body bags, I mean sure its measure but one of the Elders said its a bad omen. I'm not happy about this, why not send out more preventive measures instead of a fuckin body bag. It makes me so angry/sad that Ottawa did this, and I'm crying. I am not impressed, neither am I suprised. I mean, BODY BAGS for creators sake. They could send out other things, instead of that. I guess the health minister for the FN people are looking into it. Some people are so freakin ignorant as well, reading the comments on some news sites. I'm sorry this is going to sound, really rude. They dont know what they're talking about, the ones who arent First Nation complaining about us a few even said Canada would be better off with us dead. Like we dont expierence enough racism, for someone online to say that. It just (in the words of Peter) really grinds my gears.


I think thats it, didnt help but meh.

Gaah.

At work. I'm about to burst into tears. I'm in such an unhappy mood. I'm trying to NOT cry right now. 10 more minutes then I can lock the door, put the phones on hold and have lunch. Everyone is gone for a lunchon that I didnt go to, why because I'm on my period and I am way too emotional & crampy to sit with a bunch of people for a fucking hour & a half. I DID want to go for lunch with my mom but she took off to said lunchon. She phones, tells me theres a lunch at the local friendship center, thinking I'd want to go there. Uhm NO, my ex might be there WITH his WOMAN! Like I wanna see them, get real. Fuck that, I do NOT wanna see him. So, I'm stuck here. Alone, and bored and bitchy. Yay, ugh. I hate feeling so damn emotional.
Today, is going to suck. I can feel it already

*cries*

Silly, silly silly.

Warning: Stupid silly rant!!!


Alright, I'm tired! Its 20 to 2am. My stepdad, is in here watching TV. He should be asleep as well. I cant sleep in my room, 2 reasons. 1 - I seen a spider in there about 2 weeks ago? Too scared to sleep in my bed. 2 - Its messy, like REALLY messy my bed has a TON of stuff on it, and I am too damn lazy to move it all. The couch, pretty comfy to sleep on so I sleep on there. I am also VERY pmsy right now, like I'm fustrated and tired and pissy. I'm also not the type to tell him to GTFO so I can sleep. I feel like sayin it but I wont. I'm sure he'll sleep soon but right now it is NOT soon enough. Thats it my silly rant. Its not helping to make me feel better -booooo- >.<

Moving?

So, we have to move. We were givin our notice a few weeks back, the school thats across the field has bought out the whole place here. Meaning, we as tenants have to be out by March. So I think they would like to be out before winter, at least that would be nice since that way we wouldnt have to move in the cold. I honestly think they're better off renting out a house theres a few for rent but I'm sure thost places are a little expensive. Heard that there was an apartment for rent, the rent was $1000!!! For a 2 bedroom with a washer/dryer inside! Thats abusurd, we're paying I think around $800 for a 3 bedroom trailer! They might even be better off buying a freakin house around here. If they did & I got a job I would so help out with bills & stuff, even giving them money for the house. My mom said she might get boxes today so we can start packing stuff up. I want the stuff in my closet packed up since I dont use anything in there anyways. Pack it up, and clean it out as well. Most of the stuff I had from when I lived on my own is packed away already so no need to worry about that. Hmm, I think my mom & Vic should make a list of what they want in a place and look for something that has what they want. I know they want a 1 story, with a basement. I want a 2 story, haha. Well my stepdad will be going to a sweat tonight so we can do that later on, me & her. I cant wait to move, into a new house then next year to a new town! One thing that sucks, is they dont have central heating, we use baseboards & oil & some people have wood stoves here for heating its "too far north" to have that type of heating with a furnace. Anyways, thats it..

...random

So yeah. I've been thinking. So this is gunna be random. I dunno, theres this guy, hes sweet & all but he flirts with other girls. I know hes not mine but him telling me all this stuff is bound to get into my head & make me think things meanwhile he might have 4-5 other girls on the side. I dont want to date him, well I'm not sure if I do. I'm confused. I just dont want to get hurt again, cause it REALLY sucks having a broken heart. I was told earlier that I should be "over" my ex, I am. I'm not over how badly my heart was broken though its still not healed. I still cry over it I still get angry when I think of how I cried for nights and nights on end. I thought it was my fault I still wonder that. I hope that I'll be over how badly I was hurt, so I can fully move on with my life and maybe find someone that I'd be willing to make a future with. I also worry that I wont find that person, that I'll end up alone and unhappy with my life cause of the way I keep people out. I have a very hard time letting people in, like REALLY inside me. I let people in some of the way but then its like I put up this, wall and stop them from getting too close to hurt me. I can care about someone immensly but letting someone care about me that much is hard.

I'm gunna leave with one of my new favourite songs.

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

..yeah

Gah....waiting, is NOT one of my strong points. I swear I wanna jump off a freakin cliff right now thats how like yeah. Whatever this sucks. Blah...I aint got nothin else to say.

ETA

its tomorrow!!! ooops....so tomorrow I'll be a big ball o stress.

No sleep, no nothing.

Never got any sleep last night, I went to bed around 3 or 3:30 and I got woken up at 4-4:30ish by a storm. It got me to thinking, how lonley I can start to feel during one. I already feel fairly lonely, like I've stated before being single is great I'm quite happy this way. Yet during a storm, I just get so lonely for some companionship of some sort. I'm not used to being alone I guess, I'm used to having someone there with me since the ex's & I usually ended up shaking up together while being in a relationship. Last summer, I would cry and have panic attacks during storms. This summer it isnt that bad but still, it could be better. I wish I was one of those people who didnt still feel like having a panic attack and, who actually liked storms! I was never one for them, they say that to be afraid of something, then something in your past must've happend. I dont remember my past that much so I'm not sure as to what happend. Hmm, the thunder is rolling, its a little scary. I'm still not feeling anything, I get a few moments of fleeting giddyness and then, its gone and I'm back to nothingness. Its getting annoying. Hmph.

I cant feel....anything.

Right now, I dont feel anything. I dont feel sad, or bored or tired. I dont feel happy either. This isn't a weird feeling for me either, I sometimes dont feel anything at all for days. I was happy earlier, that has subsided for the time being I couldnt even watch a movie cause it was "boring" to me. I need something, to jumpstart my feelings again. I remember, after breaking up with my ex, I was numb for months I've self harmed before but it got worse after we had broken up. I cut to feel something and I'm scared that the longer I go not really feeling anything again the closer I'll get to cutting again. I dont want to start that again, especially since I've so many people happy for me that I'm clean from at least cutting. I dont know, I just dont know. I want to feel something I do, I just cant. I've been crying often lately, the littlest things will make me burst out into a tiny fit of teary eyes. I dont know what I can do to make myself feel something other than cutting right now, I mean writing how I feel (or dont feel) is helping somewhat, but I can feel myself wanting to slip back into that old habit. Earlier, I felt so bored & fustrated that I wanted to cut just for something to do and I know that is NOT healthy in the least. I'm not feeling suicidal or anything, even if I did at least it would be some sort of feeling right? At this point, I just dont feel anything inside. I feel my stomach growling but thats about it. I hate feeling this way, I really do.

Yuuus. GO ME!

I have an interview! GO me!!! Yup, that means...no more just sitting around, it means well (if i get the job!) that I can buy myself stuff! Like, that macbook pro and the Canon Rebel I want, VERY expensive things, OH! It also means, hehe, I can buy Christmas gifts to buy! Oh, oh I am exicted and nervous. Very nervous actually, just because I dont do too well in interviews, not sure why I just dont. Hmph, anyways I'm going to fool around on the comp, and remember Kandee's advice for "Getting over a guy"! Hehe, alright! I'm off for now.

Wish me lots of luck for the interview!!!

Random....Busy...FUN!

I've been UBER busy! I camped out 2 weekends ago, helped to cook for the feast! Then, that Monday I was busy doing laundry and packing for home (forgetting a few things there as well! hmmph). Tuesday we hit the road for home! We made it to Thunder Bay at around, 9pm. I was out by Midnight, woke up early to hit the road for HOME! Got home just before 5pm. I never got to sleep in my bed till Sunday night, why you might ask. Because, of storms. I'm not one for storms, never was. Anyways, this past weekend I was quite busy as well. I was out at the pow-wow both days. Saturday, oh my did it storm! We had 2 big ones, and we were outside for it!!! I surivived! A little shaken, but it wasnt anything too too bad. Sunday, BEAUTIFUL day, besides the rain, and killing the poor battery in the SUV whoops. Yeah, I saw a few shooting stars, was so nice. Got a video of the give away dance, had LOTS of laughs, got checked out a little. Oh, I guess thats something else, I've lost 12lbs! I also have a tan. Not bad for going away for a couple weeks huh?! Well, I think thats like everything a nutshell.

Tired.

Havent written in awhile. Ooops

Anyways, I'm home now. Glad to be here, and not glad. Its storming, been storming since we got home :(. I really dis-like storms, but anyways...Idk what I wanna say right now, I did last night but tonight I'm srsly tired. I've been getting little sleep lately due to being busy and travelling home and the storms. I'll write more sometime.

Do NOT want!

Weird, my ex's woman added me on facebook. My thought "why would I want to be friends with you?" I mean, I barely know her and for all I know, only reason she wants to be "friends" is to talk smack at me for talking to the ex again. I mean it was only twice that we talked, and it was basically all bs anyways. I dont want him back, she can have him! Sure I tossed around the idea in my head, but then it came back with "well, maybe if she never wanted him back and he was truly unhappy and blablabla) I came down from that quickly. He's not even my "type" anymore, I dont want someone like him in my life that way sure friends, great! It means we can at least be civil. With her, that wouldnt happen I dont need it to happen. I dont need that kinda drama in my life anymore, I can create my own tyvfm! I dont need someone coming and telling me to back off when theres nothing to back off from. I would tell her this, but then it gives her more incentive to actually want to talk to me, which I seriously do NOT want. Blah, anyways I seen the email "So and so has added you as a friend on facebook" and I was like, woah woah woah woah, no thanks! I havent denied it yet, so I'm not sure if I wanna add her on my life. Maybe limited profile, I wonder if theres a button so she cant send me messages or im's on there, that'd be wonderful. I think I might just block her, so that way she CAN'T contact me, now wouldnt that be pretty awesome. I think I'm going to shower and mull this over.

Proud to be Native.

I'm a happy duck. I feel like, maybe things are looking up. I'm figuring out what I want, and hopefully going to go after it!

Aaah, I'm also happy about other things. My mom & stepdad will be in on Sunday. I'm not going to camp :(, staying here and probably getting a little druk tonight. Pow-wow next weekend! That is something that I am REALLY looking forward to. I know, 2 VERY different things in the same paragraph. I dont walk the "red path" , I'm not completely sober all the time. I'm not your "traditional" native girl. Never have been, maybe when I'm older...

This pow-wow I'm really looking forward to it, cause theres going to be lots of drums, lots of dancers. Lots of GOOD food, I'll be helping to cook feast on the Saturday. Its just going to be, an all around good time. I dont know if I'm going to dance yet, if I take off with my cousin & her friend I probably wont since we'll be partying, but I'd rather stay on the rez then go to Sagamok. If I dont drink then I might dance but probably not in regalia. I still need to finish my regalia, maybe I'll post pics of it when its finished.

I am a proud ojibway woman though, I'm proud of where my people came from and where we are heading. We can do so much good with our knowledge. If we could take the time and really work out the problems with the gov't, 3rd world country settings right here in Canada. It really is sickining, when we could change that! If we could get many voices together, we could do so much, so so so much good. I'm hoping with electing a new AFN Grand Chief and maybe a new NAN Grand Chief that, it brings new voices to the table and rasises even more issues that are going on that those Grand Chief's who are helping our people really do something. We need to wake up, and speak out on the issues that affect the us as a whole.

Happier times in my life.

The last post, seemed a little dark and it was meant to be that way, I've been through some stuff but its not as rough as some other people had it. So I think this time I'm gunna write about some of the lighter moments in my life.

Even though most of my childhood is blocked, I still remember a lot of the happier times. I had a bestfriend, who my mom was bestfriends with her mom and we've known eachother since we were in diapers, she lived across the busy street right beside one of the corner stores. We did a lot together, we grew up together. She taught me about "growing up" and we still played with our barbies. I went to a good school and had friends, I wasnt always the girl who fit in but I still managed to be in the group of "popular girls". I bullied and was bullied. I've had another bestfriend who I've also known since I was in diapers. We're still bestfriends. I had a rockin childhood (other than that stuff that happend). Lots of friends, lots of laughs, I made it into the newspaper a few times, because of having fun. Junior High was alright, was involved in a lot of different things. I was in choir and liturgical dancing, both of which I loved. I was outgoing I had to be, and then I got put into councilling which brought up some memories of which I didnt want to remember. I was happier not remembering. The summer before I got into Highschool I lost a lot of weight, and I got more confidence and then when I got into highschool I lost even more weight. By grade 10 I had lost a couple friends but gained even more. Grade 11 was good, I was taking a grade 11 english course one semester and then a grade 12 english course the next, during this time I was getting to know my step-family a bit more. Grade 12 (which I took twice) were both pretty good. I graduated Highschool with my mom, my grama, my sister & stepdad and my auntie & uncle in the audience. I moved out on my own that following fall. Was pretty good I had fun partying, I had a lot of those. I met a lot of cool people. When I moved to where I live now, I met my stepdads siblings, and their children. I got to know my stepbrothers even more, and bonded with them over scrabble and UFC ppv nights. My stepsister & I didnt bond right away. We lived in that apartment for awhile but that fall we moved into a new place. It was there, where I lived and my parents. My stepbro moved in, that was pretty cool since I got to know him a lot better and his girlfriend. He moved out, and the stepsister moved in, it was then that we bonded and got to know eachother and actually like eachother. We bonded over drinking haha. I got to know my stepdad's neices and their mom. I got to love them. I finally met his nephew and hes a cool guy. I love my stepdad & his family.

That summer I believe, I was taken up to this reserve for a pow-wow. The last night of it, they did a dance called the "49'er" aka the "snake dance". I didnt have a partner, so my friend asked her cousin if he would dance with me. He said yeah, sure so we danced and after we finished they did some more dances and then they did the giveaway dance, when I went around to shake hands with everyone. I seen this girl saying something about him and really wanting him. I thought to myself "he doesnt want you". I was right, cause when it was my turn to go around I made sure to look into his eyes, smile and flirt subtly. It worked, cause I got a little note later on asking if we could go out on a date, I said yes, of course I did. That night, after everything was finished I was at this girls house, got the call and he came to pick me up. We walked down to the beach, and sat there for an hour or so just talking. We then stood there and had out first kiss which had so many sparks. I spent the night with him, and that morning I left for home. On the way home I thought "it was a one night stand, nothing would ever come of this". When I got home I crashed out and that night I got a message on yahoo, after that we stayed up many late nights talking on yahoo and on the phone. I still remember the day when I realized I was in love, I was walking to the store and it hit me I was in love. He came to shack up with me that fall, and we then spent many nights together. We had an LDR for the most part, lots of nights and days on the phone and online. We broke it off for awhile but got back together and that summer he ended up in jail. I stayed with him despite it. I talked to him daily, worried about him. Gave the people who listen in on the conversations a good show now & then. That fall, we broke up. (Thats the basics of my relationship with the dude who I loved at one point). I still hold a place for him in my heart and will always carry him there, but what we had is over.

Through all of that, I was finding myself. I still am but I took an early childhood education course where I met 3 awesome people. The course wasnt for me but I knew I wanted to stay in school, so I took the native childhood education course. I met even more great people, and re-met someone I used to have a crush on back in the day, hes a friend of mine now. That course wasnt for me either. I had fun with some of those courses and loved going to school. I took a little bit of a break, and that January of 08 my neice was born. Ever since then my heart has bursted with love and joy when shes around. I got a job that fall, and flew in the guy I was on and off with. We broke up (for the better). I loved the job I had, it wasnt hard and it wasnt easy. The following new year, my neice turned 1 year old and I started babysitting her full-time while her parents worked that was an awesome job. I got to watch this growing toddler and teach her new things, sing to her. She made me want to be a mama. Its now summer and I'm on vacation and having the best time. I cant wait to see my mom & stepdad on Sunday. I cant wait to see my neice when we go back home! I miss that little girl so much.

My life, in a nutshell.

I'm gunna share a little bit about my life.

I'm 22 as you know. Born to two loving parents and 2 olders siblings. I dont remember much of my childhood, I blocked a lot out. I was molested when I was younger, so most of my childhood surrounding that, I have blocked out to protect myself in a way. I grew up rather normally, going to school getting good grades, rebelling at times and getting in trouble for those times. I started to rebel further in High School, by skipping school and I started to smoke and do drugs and drink. I also started to have sex around this time as well.

When I was 16 years old, we found out that my father had cancer. They started doing chemotherapy, they also did a surgery. The cancer came back and got worse, by the summertime I was dating someone and in love. We broke up and a couple months later, I remember the date November 25th the Home Depot was opening and my brother had gotten a job there, we went for the "family day" they were having. I was thinking as I was walking along with my Dad that in a month, he wouldnt be coming home. He was getting worse and worse daily. That morning, he called the hospice and told them he couldnt take it anymore. So for that month, myself and my family made it up there daily, I even skipped school so I could have some alone time with him. We had a family meeting with the doctor and he said that he wouldnt make it past 2weeks, he made it after that, then they said he wouldnt make it until Christmas, and he did. I got a phonecall at 5:30am December 26th from my sister, saying that we would need to get to the hospice ASAP as he was getting worse. We got to the hospice and I went to lay down, I couldnt take the crying anymore. I got woken up at 8:00am and we stayed in the room, and said our last goodbyes. I was sitting beside my mom, his eyes rolled back she screamed "NOOOOOO!!!" he looked just past her and we all said "Its ok, go to that place you saw the other day, we'll be ok". He was waiting for my Grama to come up and be with us. We told him to go, and he did. I collapsed in the room after he passed away. The next few days are such a blur, I remember the funeral, and that was the worst day of my life.

I started rebelling even more after that, I was smoking a lot at that point. Both cigarettes and pot. I started going to school though, so I could graduate. The summer after my Dad passed away, I went on vacation to my Gramas (where I am now). While I was gone, my mom met someone, my stepdad. I met him quickly on my way on another vacation with a friend and her family. I got back and got to know him and at first hate him and his kids. Then I got to know him even more and I started liking him and my stepbrother, then my other stepbro. I graduated High School and the fall after I did, I moved out on my own. I was in college and liking drinking very much as I was on my own and of age to drink I was also sleeping around quite a bit with a few people. I then moved to where I live now, that following spring. I got to know and like my stepsister. I've since gotten to know my new family better. I love them, a lot. Ever since then I've been quite stable. Not job-wise since theres hardly any jobs up there, and I was in one serious relationship with someone who I did love a lot. We had a whirlwind of a relationship, met at his rez slept together that night and the next day I left for home and we thought it was a one night stand type thing. It wasnt, "that night" turned into a relationship quite quickly. We were together for 14 months with some rocky times, including me going through something very trying, and then him going to jail. We broke up that fall due to him cheating. I dated someone else on and off from that following new year until the following fall. Since then I've been single and working on myself and my life. Basically thats me, in a nutshell. Theres so much more but thats the surface of everything.


inspired by Kandee's vlog.

Sex & babies.

So, basically on Friday I am going to make a purchase its something that I've been wanting for awhile now. I'm quite exicted to buy it, because I'm 22 years old and having it would make my "single life" easier on me. If you cant guess what it is, then you must be young or cant read between the lines there, btw its a "personal massager". So yeah, I just feel that, its time to make that purchase, it's only $20 as much as 2 packs of smokes. Its worth it IMO. I havent had any type of, sexual anything in like 7 or 8 months. So this purchase will be a good one. Not having any sex, has been very very sucky. To be honest, I miss it, a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

Also, I've been "back & forth" on the whole wanting a baby thing. I mean, having my own child would kinda screw my plans up, for like school and everything. Just my life plans, and all that but having one, would also be maybe nice? Idk. I know I could handle a child right now but I dont want to. Babysitting my neice, they say that usually it makes a person NOT want a baby right? Yeah, for me she made me want one even more. When I talk to my friends about school then I think "I dont want one" but when I think to myself I think "I do want one". I've had a few scares and each time, I would hope that I wasnt. Yet when I found out that I wasnt, then I would want one. I think most girls/women go through this as well. I am going to wait, simply because even though I could possibly handle one right now it isnt the right time and when I'm ready for a baby then I'll be blessed with one. I guess I'll wait.

Anyways, its time to bake some cookies with my cousin. I did dishes and took down laundry earlier, time for some cookies!

Being single, and being happy.

Eh, was thinking earlier "I'm happy being single". Its the first time in a VERY long time that, I can say that and be truthful about it. I'm so used to being a relationship of some-sort. I was with a guy for awhile there, in love all that jazz. Stuff happend, it ended. Dated someone else, he cheated left me in the middle of the night for her. Ouch, men sometimes huh? Anyways, I've been single since, the end of November-ish. Somewhere around there anyways. I'm actually kinda happy being single, sure I romantasize about being in a relationship with someone, sharing myself with that person perhaps even dare I say it. Starting a family with that person -gasp-! Alas, it would throw my life off-track in a bad way, probably not. In a way that I'm not ready for, hell yes. Being single, means that I dont have to worry about flirting with so & so, or giving a guy that look or even making out with someone. There's no need for "Honey, what do we wanna go do this tonight" its, hmm what should I do tonight, what do I want to do. Theres no "we" in "single" but there is an "I" haha. I'm starting to like that "I'm happy with who I am" not all the damn time, but most of the time oh yeah. I'm a good person! I am quite the awesome. I'm glad I can stand being around me for long hours, lol. Ah, well its thundering outside. I should throw on the iPod and get some well needed rest. Only got 5hrs last night.

Want/need. New Moon *swoon*

Ugh, my browser just froze on me. Great yeah. I think I might get myself a mac-powerbook. I'm sick of dealing with this vista that just effs up on me. It runs slower, and everything. Bleeeh, even my mIRC thing, is effing up. Sick sick sick of this!!! People complain that a mac is expensive, uh yeah. It is, but its WORTH IT! I love my toshiba, vista has its good points but dude. This whole freezing, the internet and the toolbar, its a little annoying. Wait, no its very annoying. Its just, bleh. So when I get a job, yeah first thing I'm buying a new mac. I have plans for my money things that I've been wanting. License, mac, iTouch, hair products, cellphone. Not only wanting, but sort-of needing as well.

LOL! I just turned "fangirl". Yes, its about the oh-so either loved or hated New Moon movie, 2 new sneak peeks were released online, and my computer being the fukk-tard that it is. Decided that it didnt want me to watch it, so I'm going to have to wait. I'm exicted to see the movie though, I like to say that I'm not obsessed with it, but I am a little bit. I squeal I scream so yeah thats the 16 year old girl coming out in me. Its a little sad! Oh well, cant help it. I'm excited for the movie! I love the book so hopefully they didnt change things too too much, cause then I'll end up loving/hating it like Twilight which I have, of course. I love to read, I need more books since I've read the whole saga + the House of Night like, 3-6 plus times each. Addicted, a little bit.

Death...

I had a cousin pass away at the beginning of the month I didnt get to go home for it, which I wish I did so I could've been there for my family. Its alright that I wasnt there though, but I'm still having a bit of hard time knowing that I wont see her again, hear her laugh see her beautiful smile. I'm gunna miss her, thats for sure. I've dealt with death before, I lost my Dad a few years back in 2003. I lost my grampa before that in 2000. I've lost some friends as well. This death, since it close to home, it sucks. Just knowing that not only I will never get to talk with her again, she left behind 2 children. Whom she loved dearly, both of her kids had her whole heart. Those two, their hearts are broken forever. Her brother and sister, I wish I could've hugged them to tell them how awfully sorry I am. Her mom, my auntie, ohman. She left behind a lot of us, who cared deeply for her. They started a group on facebook, which I cant read without tearing up, looking at the pictures I tear up as well. It just, heartbreaking when you lose someone who you wish you had more time with. More time to learn about them, to talk with them. Give them a hug again and tell them you love them.

So, please take the time to tell your family & friends how much you love them and care for them. Life's too short not to. Its way to short sometimes.

Rant? Kinda....

So basically, I'm on vacation right? Having fun, whatever. Anyways, my mom lent our family our printer/scanner/photocopier. Sure whatever, fine. No, no no no. They want to BUY it now, I was like, wtf since I bought the paper and photo paper for it, both are not cheap to buy. It was around 25$ for that stuff, plus another 60 for the actual printer. They have it "hooked up and everything". Ugh, I get that "they dont have one blablabla", so what the money you're going to be giving my mom, is the same damn amount you'll be spending for a brand new one. I just know that if I was at home, they wouldnt be asking. I'm kinda glad I'm not at home, since I get to spend time with family, like tonight I went to the beach with my uncle. Was nice, I got to chat with him and spend some quality time with the dude. I think this weekend if my cousin can get Saturday off we're gunna spend the weekend out at the camp again! I hope so anyways, cause my auntie might ask me to go with her to the pow-wow and help her with her booth. I dont mind it, but she leaves me there expecting me to run it, while she goes and visits everyone. Its a little crappy to be honest. I mean, where the pow-wow is, I have family there too HELLO! I go home in a few weeks.
I cant wait to get back to my bed. -sigh-