Birthday

It started off shitty, my moms sick. She was throwing up sick. I tried to sleep, again I cried. Same reasons almost I feel ignored & not cared about. Like no one gives a flying donkey about me and that if it wasnt for my mom I wouldnt be living right now. Dont get me wrong I love my family, and my siblings immensley its just, they're not enough for me to keep living. I have no other reasons to live, I have no real goals no spouse no children nothing thats enough for me to just care. I know my mom couldnt bare to lose me (at least I think). I feel like crying but I'm numb again inside. I was happy yesterday, and it changed. I dont even care thats its my birthday, only reason why people wished me one was cause its on facebook & cause I promted them with "OMG ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" and I cant even muster up enough to care IRL. I cried hard, I sobbed silently so I wouldnt have anyone asking me "whats wrong". I cant be sad or mad here, I get chastised for feeling like that I get asked "why are you a grouch" or get told to cheer up. I dont want to be miss sunshine 24/7 I cant, thats not me. I have a feeling that this is a mixture of PMS & depression, so I'm going to make an appt with my doctor. I want to feel better and sleep better. I might ask to be put on some type of anti-depressant & a sleeping pill. Its pissing me off that I'm so unhappy & that I cry almost nightly. I cry over everything that I cant say out loud for fear of being rejected (refer to the post below this). I muck things up a lot. I always do, even with my writing it bounces around so much but I type what I'm feeling so I cant help it. I wish I could organize my thoughts better. I'm tired but I cant sleep I even took 2 motrin to help me sleep and deal with my cramps. I also realized something else, if my house were to ever go up in flames I'd want to be inside the house as well. I couldnt bear to live without my dad's pictures - those can never ever be replaced neither can I but whatever. I'd just want to go quickly, smoke inhilation so I dont feel the burning. Everything else whatever, but the stuff of my dad - couldnt and wouldnt want to live without it. Ugh, this post is just full of self-pity & depression. Sorry for that, but I need to get this out somewhere...if I ever die I'll have someone delete these, as well as everything else online and destory hard drives...Mmmm, anyways. I dont know...