Give sleep a try

So, I had a freak out awhile ago. I was tryina sleep and I kept thinking (dont'cha hate that?)...Anyways, I started crying and inside my head I was screaming. Like, just that I push people away I build walls and its not to keep anyone out, its to see who gives a damn to be let in. The more I push & build the more I want someone in. Its a vicious cycle and I'm going to end up alone because of it. I just want someone to give a damn about me, enough to actually care. I dont mean online, I want someone to care in real life. I'm also scared that people will find out that I'm not worth it. Even when I talk to people, I'm met with "mmm's" and nods of the head, and they wonder why I'm so socially awkward. I'm not givin a chance to speak whats on my mind. I feel like no one ever really cares what I have to say, that I'm not worth finding out. I hold back, a lot. With everything, how I'm really feeling - what I want to say and what I'm thinking. I never say what I truely want to say, because I'm so scared that I'll be rejected or something. I've always been "shy" its not just shyness, its my being awkward. I'm soo scared that I wont find someone who finds me worthy of what I'm truely feeling and saying. I just want someone to want to give a damn about me, not just idle chat or anything but to be there, no matter what. No matter how fucked up I might think or do things. How lazy I seem or whatever. It sucks, it really sucks feeling the way I do. I'll end up alone because of it, because of the shit I do and how I do it. I sorta blame my childhood too, the way I was brought up almost. No one hearing me, or listening to me. I've always been someone to just stay at home instead of going out to meet new people. Its just the way I am I guess, socially awkward and bound to be alone.


Blah, the joys of insomia, freak outs no sleep, and a post that makes no fuckin sense.....Oh, and a headache as big as texas... :(


Oh, my birthday is on Tuesday (I bet it'll be shitastic - no one to celebrate with, parents work nights...no one to drink with, no one to do anything with. Its gunna suck the big one....yay :()