Its a big one

OK so I've been like thinking (I know, such a huge feat). Anyways, like school next year, I might go into University instead of College, just because with a degree you can do anything with a diploma you can't really. Holy fuck though, I'm scared! I'm so scared to fail. I can't fail at this, I really can't cause then some of my family it'll be like "Oh yeah, she fails at a lot of things, unlike her cousin who is in college and studying to be a nurse". Yeah, its hard to try to be great at something when there's others who are amazing at it. I'll try my best though, and I am excited for it.

I've also been thinking, well I got some advice I suppose from someone on a different site and he asked if I'd ever consider going to see someone like a therapist or something I didn't all I considered was telling my doctor so I can get some meds to level out my moods. I get especially moody and suicidal around my periods, I mean if you've read my past posts especially around my birthday I was completely moody like, crying so hard and freaking out having panic attacks almost.

So I think I might see someone about these things, I need help with it. I need better coping skills other then self harm. I might not cut anymore but I still suffer from Dermatillomania which if you don't know is skin picking, I bite my lips, and pick at scabs and I used to suffer from Trichotillomania which is where you pick at hair, I still do it sometimes, especially when I am more stressed than usual. As I'm sitting here typing I'm biting my lips because I've dried them out by licking them so I can pick at them to make them smooth again. I can't deal with my emotions properly anymore, I bottle them up and try to hide it from everyone.  I also, build these walls I don't let people in (like I've stated before) but in the long run it will hurt more than help me. So I really need some help with everything.

Other than that, things are still going good. I've been up and down with my moods again, but mostly constant on the happier side of things. Which is a good thing, at least I'm not numb anymore I'm feeling things again. A huge relief, like a huge one because I really hate being numb and not caring. It is not fun for me, I like smiling and being happy.

OK so yeah, this has been hugely long. Still waiting to hear about the house! They were apparently busy today, maybe I'll update whenever we hear about it.

I have nothing else to say I guess.