My parents..

Are in the process of trying to buy a house, we went there on Sunday to check it out, it needs work. There are some things that we love, and some that we don't. The counter tops need to be replaced, the deck in the back will need to be redone next year as well as the roof those are the only major things that need to be done. Other than its just minor things such as the flooring in the living room and the 2 of the bedrooms I think a couple coats of paint and new hardwear on the kitchen cabinets, as well as the baseboards needing to be replaced. The back yard will need to be leveled out thats easy enough its not all grass though they could put down sod if they wanted at some point. I have my dads eye for things I notice the little things that others wouldn't normally. Like the light fixture thats missing a piece and the sink thats a little too shallow and the tap that should be replaced. The bathrooms need a little TLC, a good wipe down with some bleach and it should be alright. It really is a nice place, its bigger than this one, but the living room and kitchen feels smaller. I like that the master bedroom has its own bathroom and that the room that I'd like is close to the other bathroom in the house. It has a lot of natural light and we have a deck with sliding doors, oh those will need to be redone or something as well. I showed my mom the homeowners site on http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/tx/ndvdls/sgmnts/hmwnr/menu-eng.html it has a lot of good ideas and since they're both not new homeowners but new homeowners together it should be something they look at. I'm excited for them, and for myself I guess. Tomorrow they find out for sure about it. I think I've rambled on enough this was just supposed to be a list of what should be done, and what needs to be done around that house. I hope paint isn't very expensive I would like to repaint the bedroom. Haha

Alright...read on

Yes, its been awhile! So, nothing much is new around here. I'm happier that's for sure so that is a good thing. What else, oh my mom & stepdad are looking to buy a house. There's this trailer they're looking at it seems pretty nice, I mean I myself want a nice 2 story house with my own bathroom haha. Ah well its their choice right? Christmas is right around the corner!! OMG! Crazy, this year has gone by quickly. I'm 23 already wow. Yeah, so that guy that I sorta fancied yea that didn't fall through at all. He started to see someone else, and I never got to tell him that I like(d) him. I wish I would've said something sooner but was scared, I shouldn't be so scared to tell someone something. Although I do think that there is someone out there, who I wont be scared to tell them just how I feel and that person just might be the one for me. He'll be so much better than those who I've been with before, and he'll be amazing! I'm sure of it. It's bound to happen after all the crap I've put up with over these past few years! Aah what else, oh I'm using Firefox now (yeah yeah, new user I used to use IE before but, bleh to that!) I love it, it's amazing. Uh yeah. School next year, yada yada read my other blog for that. Tsh tsh tsh, what else. Nothing I guess.

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Now playing: MIley Cyrus - Party In The U.S.A. - Official Music Video (HD)
via FoxyTunes

A new beginning *cheers*

So, all this "depression" crap. I've decided to be happy. Well, I'm going to try my damnest to be happy. To start a new start on life, start taking care of myself. Start smiling more. I'm even going to forget that I was ever heart broken and to throw myself out into the wind and let it carry me where it may. Any opportunities that come up, if it seems good I'll do it. I need a change, a big one. Thats coming, next year moving away for school. Going somewhere new, somewhere - where I can "be". I cant wait, its going to be amazing I think. I just want my heart to be full and bursting and love those closest to me as much as I can. To maybe even see if that person thinks of me in "that way" if he does, who knows what can happen if not there are other people out there that will accept me for me. I'll have my moments I'm sure but I'd rather deal with those as they come instead of dwelling on it. I want try new things, experience the unknown. Go where no man has gone before! *cough* sorry, got carried away there. I want to fall in love hard and love immensley. I figured out something else, that I have another reason to live, my neice I would never ever put her parents in the position of asking where her auntie went and break her heart that someone who loved her so much, didnt love herself enough. Ah, thats another thing I am going to love myself and be amazing at it! Haha. I want to start something creative, do something spectecular and amaze everyone. I just want this whole next year, even after the new year, to be great. Its starting now, everything I'm typing is making my heart burst with happyness. I'm going to forget about my ex & his drama and leave it be, let it rest in the past where it belongs, I dont need it nor want it in my life. Got that, I dont want it or him! I miss the relationship but not him. Not ever. I just want to move on and be happy with my future - its going to be amazing and I cant wait for it. Its going to be one hell of a ride but so worth it so so worth it. School, next year it has to be right I can feel it I really hope that I dont crash & fail but if I do I'll try something else, until I succeed and rise to the top and amaze even myself. I dont want to be my worst critic anymore.

I thank Kandee Johnson for giving me the inspiration for this, and bringing light and laughter into my life when I've been upset or depressed. You've inspired me to be happy and to go for what I want in life. Kandee is one of my biggest role models. *smiles big as she finishes this post*

Birthday

It started off shitty, my moms sick. She was throwing up sick. I tried to sleep, again I cried. Same reasons almost I feel ignored & not cared about. Like no one gives a flying donkey about me and that if it wasnt for my mom I wouldnt be living right now. Dont get me wrong I love my family, and my siblings immensley its just, they're not enough for me to keep living. I have no other reasons to live, I have no real goals no spouse no children nothing thats enough for me to just care. I know my mom couldnt bare to lose me (at least I think). I feel like crying but I'm numb again inside. I was happy yesterday, and it changed. I dont even care thats its my birthday, only reason why people wished me one was cause its on facebook & cause I promted them with "OMG ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" and I cant even muster up enough to care IRL. I cried hard, I sobbed silently so I wouldnt have anyone asking me "whats wrong". I cant be sad or mad here, I get chastised for feeling like that I get asked "why are you a grouch" or get told to cheer up. I dont want to be miss sunshine 24/7 I cant, thats not me. I have a feeling that this is a mixture of PMS & depression, so I'm going to make an appt with my doctor. I want to feel better and sleep better. I might ask to be put on some type of anti-depressant & a sleeping pill. Its pissing me off that I'm so unhappy & that I cry almost nightly. I cry over everything that I cant say out loud for fear of being rejected (refer to the post below this). I muck things up a lot. I always do, even with my writing it bounces around so much but I type what I'm feeling so I cant help it. I wish I could organize my thoughts better. I'm tired but I cant sleep I even took 2 motrin to help me sleep and deal with my cramps. I also realized something else, if my house were to ever go up in flames I'd want to be inside the house as well. I couldnt bear to live without my dad's pictures - those can never ever be replaced neither can I but whatever. I'd just want to go quickly, smoke inhilation so I dont feel the burning. Everything else whatever, but the stuff of my dad - couldnt and wouldnt want to live without it. Ugh, this post is just full of self-pity & depression. Sorry for that, but I need to get this out somewhere...if I ever die I'll have someone delete these, as well as everything else online and destory hard drives...Mmmm, anyways. I dont know...

Give sleep a try

So, I had a freak out awhile ago. I was tryina sleep and I kept thinking (dont'cha hate that?)...Anyways, I started crying and inside my head I was screaming. Like, just that I push people away I build walls and its not to keep anyone out, its to see who gives a damn to be let in. The more I push & build the more I want someone in. Its a vicious cycle and I'm going to end up alone because of it. I just want someone to give a damn about me, enough to actually care. I dont mean online, I want someone to care in real life. I'm also scared that people will find out that I'm not worth it. Even when I talk to people, I'm met with "mmm's" and nods of the head, and they wonder why I'm so socially awkward. I'm not givin a chance to speak whats on my mind. I feel like no one ever really cares what I have to say, that I'm not worth finding out. I hold back, a lot. With everything, how I'm really feeling - what I want to say and what I'm thinking. I never say what I truely want to say, because I'm so scared that I'll be rejected or something. I've always been "shy" its not just shyness, its my being awkward. I'm soo scared that I wont find someone who finds me worthy of what I'm truely feeling and saying. I just want someone to want to give a damn about me, not just idle chat or anything but to be there, no matter what. No matter how fucked up I might think or do things. How lazy I seem or whatever. It sucks, it really sucks feeling the way I do. I'll end up alone because of it, because of the shit I do and how I do it. I sorta blame my childhood too, the way I was brought up almost. No one hearing me, or listening to me. I've always been someone to just stay at home instead of going out to meet new people. Its just the way I am I guess, socially awkward and bound to be alone.


Blah, the joys of insomia, freak outs no sleep, and a post that makes no fuckin sense.....Oh, and a headache as big as texas... :(


Oh, my birthday is on Tuesday (I bet it'll be shitastic - no one to celebrate with, parents work nights...no one to drink with, no one to do anything with. Its gunna suck the big one....yay :()

yeah...

Sooo

I still feel crappy. yay? Nah, not yay. Whatever though, ok so. School is still a go. I need to get out of here, but first I need to make money. So I'm taking a job thats nights. Its not that great of a job but its money & something else on my resume.

The way I feel, is so blah. Depressed almost, I feel like crying a lot. Over the silliest things, its so damn stupid. I just want to be happy, or content. I want to smile without having to force it, I dont want my inside to be hurting while my outside has to look happy. It shows in my eyes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I just dont want to fake it, I want to be it. I dont know what else to say...

I...dont know

What I want to do with anything

Theres basically no jobs here that I want.

This sucks

I feel crappy.


Blah