This should be in my other blog...

I'm just too lazy go over to that one.

Anyways, I guess I've kinda figured out what I want to do in life. I want to do photography for a few years and become somewhat successful in that - well I want to make a name for myself really, not famous famous, but kinda Ian Ruther who's known for his awesome photos - and do that and have fun while I take beautiful photos. Then I want to start a family, maybe I'll find "the one" while I'm out traveling around the world shooting photos for fashion mags. Then I want to settle down and, go back to school for Interior Design and I want to do that, I didn't realize it was something I'd be into but thinking back I have a really good eye for detail and I know what colours go with what, and I'm fairly good at coming up with organizational stuff. That's what I'd love to fall back on and do while I raise a family. I know that I want to do creative things with my life, and leave my mark in some small way. I just figured all this out while talking to my ex, he was really pushing me to figure it out in a subtle way and it just was like one of those "Aha!" moments - where it all comes together in some way. I'm a little iffy about telling people, cause me & my friend LOL'd over me being a "Martha Stewart" or a "Debbie Travis" but I love those shows on like HGTV where they re-do rooms & houses. Even Holmes on Homes I love, it reminds me of my Dad & brother. I guess, it's in my blood. It feels a little scary & amazing knowing -at least sort of- what I want to do with my life.

Christmas - About you.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Either or, doesn't really matter.


2. Real tree or Artificial? I'd love real but my sisters passed down small tree does just fine!


3. When do you put up the tree? Mid-December


4. When do you take the tree down? The week after New Year


5. Do you like eggnog? Mmmm yes

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Disney VHS

7. Hardest person to buy for? My brothers


8. Easiest person to buy for? My Mom

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yep, we have one every year under the tree

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Christmas Cards (sending them out!)

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Earphones.


12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Charlie Brown


13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have the money


14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Hah, yes, my ex's gift I got him. I'll be giving it to my brothers instead.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Turkey!

16. Lights on the tree? Yup, coloured ones.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Last Christmas - Glee Cast


18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home, unless I was going to my Gramas

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Dancer - (these ones I googled) Comet, Donner & Blitzen.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? A star

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One gift Christmas Eve, and all the other Christmas Morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Not having money for gifts

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? My Mom's old wooden ones.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey!

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? See my "Christmas Wishlist" for that, oh maybe some Lush products, and the Clinique 3 step skin care system.

Just Dance

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, iPod, MP3 Player, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
Like Me - Girlicious

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
I Don't Remember - Ciara

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Tootsie Roll - 2 Live Crew

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Rock Show - Lady Gaga

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Butter's Lovin' Feeling - Northern Cree

WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Inevitable - Anberlin

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Make it Hot - Crystal Castles VS Uffie

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
If it Works - Tokyo Police Club

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
We Made You - Eminem

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Please Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Coffee Shop Soundtrack - All Time Low

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
What It Is - Sophia Fresh ft Kanye West

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Lips of an Angel - Hinder

WHAT WILL/DID YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Scars - Papa Roach

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I Love College - Asher Roth

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Sticks, Stones & Techno - All Time Low

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR
Use Me - Hinder

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Holler - Spice Girls

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Death - White Lies

WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
HoeDown ThrowDown - Miley Cyrus (ooomggg LMAO)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Ooh Ooh Baby - Britney Spears

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Elevator - Flo Rids & Timbaland

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
There's Nothing - The DEY

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Stupid Shit - Girlicious

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Rompe - Daddy Yankee

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Gangsta Luv - Snoop Dogg

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Can't Believe It - T-Pain ft Lil Wayne

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Just Dance (Offishall remix) Lady Gaga ft Kardinal Offishall

Wishlist!!

So...I'm excited I suppose. Get to see my niece pretty soon. Tired but suffering from insomnia the past few days. Also waiting to see if what I have turns into strep throat. What else, oh I have piercing plans for next year. Tongue & Snakebites! Also a tattoo sometime in the future. Anyways gunna write down my Christmas Wish List here. :D ...Like I said a WISH LIST cause, even though I wont get what I want I can still wish for it!! Hehehe.

• Coastal Scents 88 Pallets (all 3) Plus the Camo Quad
• iPod Touch
• Vampire Diaries books
• PostSecret books
• Stuff from Glitzy Glam.com
• Coach Bag from the Poppy Collection - Tartan Glam Tote
• Socks
• Shirts & sweater & jeans & jammie pants (cotton plz)
• New pillows!!! Ugh...my neck & shoulders hurt when I wake up
• A man, lol jokes
• A Wii OMG!! Yeah dude ...dont judge me! 
  

Yeah, thats about it. Haha, not a whole lot the stuff that you'd have to order online I know I will not get. It sucks but, meh. whatever! I still "wish" for them. 

Uh yeah

I don't know.

School, life. Worried, stressed. Sums it up pretty well, I'm getting worried about myself again and my health. Buuut its okay I suppose.


MEN & myself.

Ugh, a rant of sorts. Why are men the way they are? There's a few people that I have interest in. One of them disappears off the face of the internet. The other is alive (Thank-god I was so worried) but not talking to me, the other is just himself. At time's he is so sweet, others. Yeah, not so much. I choose the best don't I? First love - leaves me for his baby mama. Another, leaves me for his baby mama I think I see a pattern here. Another, left me in the middle of the night, and now I can't get a man for the life of me. They alll seem to like me. I put up walls, I push them away but I crave the attention. Oh lordy do I ever crave it. I push them away because of a few things, scared of getting hurt or rejected. Also scared of something else which Idk if I wanna disclose here. ANYWAYS I'm tired of it SOOOoo TIRED omg. It is just bull poopy now. Yeah WHATEVER MAN.


FUCK IT. WhaaaaaatEVER, I'm sick of it sick and fucking tirrred. Blah, fuck my life. Fuck it upside down and inside out. Whatever, men, women life. FUCK IT ALL


*note, this is a rant. I'm not gunna go do something stupid.*

-shrugs-

I feel like cutting again, I feel like crap. I feel stupid, worthless. Dumb, fat, ugly. Every worst thought I've ever had, I feel it. How wonderful it would be to just shut everything off, shut it down. Lay down and never get up again, peacefully like a catapiller in a cacoon only there would be no beautiful butterfly. Nothingness, just nothing. No pain, no ups and downs no lying about anything anymore. I wish I could do it, I cant. Too scared to leave. Too scared to leave behind the ones that "love" me. I feel tired, I feel broken again. I doubt anyone - even myself- can ever put the pieces back to where they belong. Some have just gone, others are there but too small to mend.

It hurts.

"On the happier side" Hah, I must be trying to lie to myself. It was working, not now. Nope.

Its a big one

OK so I've been like thinking (I know, such a huge feat). Anyways, like school next year, I might go into University instead of College, just because with a degree you can do anything with a diploma you can't really. Holy fuck though, I'm scared! I'm so scared to fail. I can't fail at this, I really can't cause then some of my family it'll be like "Oh yeah, she fails at a lot of things, unlike her cousin who is in college and studying to be a nurse". Yeah, its hard to try to be great at something when there's others who are amazing at it. I'll try my best though, and I am excited for it.

I've also been thinking, well I got some advice I suppose from someone on a different site and he asked if I'd ever consider going to see someone like a therapist or something I didn't all I considered was telling my doctor so I can get some meds to level out my moods. I get especially moody and suicidal around my periods, I mean if you've read my past posts especially around my birthday I was completely moody like, crying so hard and freaking out having panic attacks almost.

So I think I might see someone about these things, I need help with it. I need better coping skills other then self harm. I might not cut anymore but I still suffer from Dermatillomania which if you don't know is skin picking, I bite my lips, and pick at scabs and I used to suffer from Trichotillomania which is where you pick at hair, I still do it sometimes, especially when I am more stressed than usual. As I'm sitting here typing I'm biting my lips because I've dried them out by licking them so I can pick at them to make them smooth again. I can't deal with my emotions properly anymore, I bottle them up and try to hide it from everyone.  I also, build these walls I don't let people in (like I've stated before) but in the long run it will hurt more than help me. So I really need some help with everything.

Other than that, things are still going good. I've been up and down with my moods again, but mostly constant on the happier side of things. Which is a good thing, at least I'm not numb anymore I'm feeling things again. A huge relief, like a huge one because I really hate being numb and not caring. It is not fun for me, I like smiling and being happy.

OK so yeah, this has been hugely long. Still waiting to hear about the house! They were apparently busy today, maybe I'll update whenever we hear about it.

I have nothing else to say I guess.