A new beginning *cheers*

So, all this "depression" crap. I've decided to be happy. Well, I'm going to try my damnest to be happy. To start a new start on life, start taking care of myself. Start smiling more. I'm even going to forget that I was ever heart broken and to throw myself out into the wind and let it carry me where it may. Any opportunities that come up, if it seems good I'll do it. I need a change, a big one. Thats coming, next year moving away for school. Going somewhere new, somewhere - where I can "be". I cant wait, its going to be amazing I think. I just want my heart to be full and bursting and love those closest to me as much as I can. To maybe even see if that person thinks of me in "that way" if he does, who knows what can happen if not there are other people out there that will accept me for me. I'll have my moments I'm sure but I'd rather deal with those as they come instead of dwelling on it. I want try new things, experience the unknown. Go where no man has gone before! *cough* sorry, got carried away there. I want to fall in love hard and love immensley. I figured out something else, that I have another reason to live, my neice I would never ever put her parents in the position of asking where her auntie went and break her heart that someone who loved her so much, didnt love herself enough. Ah, thats another thing I am going to love myself and be amazing at it! Haha. I want to start something creative, do something spectecular and amaze everyone. I just want this whole next year, even after the new year, to be great. Its starting now, everything I'm typing is making my heart burst with happyness. I'm going to forget about my ex & his drama and leave it be, let it rest in the past where it belongs, I dont need it nor want it in my life. Got that, I dont want it or him! I miss the relationship but not him. Not ever. I just want to move on and be happy with my future - its going to be amazing and I cant wait for it. Its going to be one hell of a ride but so worth it so so worth it. School, next year it has to be right I can feel it I really hope that I dont crash & fail but if I do I'll try something else, until I succeed and rise to the top and amaze even myself. I dont want to be my worst critic anymore.

I thank Kandee Johnson for giving me the inspiration for this, and bringing light and laughter into my life when I've been upset or depressed. You've inspired me to be happy and to go for what I want in life. Kandee is one of my biggest role models. *smiles big as she finishes this post*

Birthday

It started off shitty, my moms sick. She was throwing up sick. I tried to sleep, again I cried. Same reasons almost I feel ignored & not cared about. Like no one gives a flying donkey about me and that if it wasnt for my mom I wouldnt be living right now. Dont get me wrong I love my family, and my siblings immensley its just, they're not enough for me to keep living. I have no other reasons to live, I have no real goals no spouse no children nothing thats enough for me to just care. I know my mom couldnt bare to lose me (at least I think). I feel like crying but I'm numb again inside. I was happy yesterday, and it changed. I dont even care thats its my birthday, only reason why people wished me one was cause its on facebook & cause I promted them with "OMG ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" and I cant even muster up enough to care IRL. I cried hard, I sobbed silently so I wouldnt have anyone asking me "whats wrong". I cant be sad or mad here, I get chastised for feeling like that I get asked "why are you a grouch" or get told to cheer up. I dont want to be miss sunshine 24/7 I cant, thats not me. I have a feeling that this is a mixture of PMS & depression, so I'm going to make an appt with my doctor. I want to feel better and sleep better. I might ask to be put on some type of anti-depressant & a sleeping pill. Its pissing me off that I'm so unhappy & that I cry almost nightly. I cry over everything that I cant say out loud for fear of being rejected (refer to the post below this). I muck things up a lot. I always do, even with my writing it bounces around so much but I type what I'm feeling so I cant help it. I wish I could organize my thoughts better. I'm tired but I cant sleep I even took 2 motrin to help me sleep and deal with my cramps. I also realized something else, if my house were to ever go up in flames I'd want to be inside the house as well. I couldnt bear to live without my dad's pictures - those can never ever be replaced neither can I but whatever. I'd just want to go quickly, smoke inhilation so I dont feel the burning. Everything else whatever, but the stuff of my dad - couldnt and wouldnt want to live without it. Ugh, this post is just full of self-pity & depression. Sorry for that, but I need to get this out somewhere...if I ever die I'll have someone delete these, as well as everything else online and destory hard drives...Mmmm, anyways. I dont know...

Give sleep a try

So, I had a freak out awhile ago. I was tryina sleep and I kept thinking (dont'cha hate that?)...Anyways, I started crying and inside my head I was screaming. Like, just that I push people away I build walls and its not to keep anyone out, its to see who gives a damn to be let in. The more I push & build the more I want someone in. Its a vicious cycle and I'm going to end up alone because of it. I just want someone to give a damn about me, enough to actually care. I dont mean online, I want someone to care in real life. I'm also scared that people will find out that I'm not worth it. Even when I talk to people, I'm met with "mmm's" and nods of the head, and they wonder why I'm so socially awkward. I'm not givin a chance to speak whats on my mind. I feel like no one ever really cares what I have to say, that I'm not worth finding out. I hold back, a lot. With everything, how I'm really feeling - what I want to say and what I'm thinking. I never say what I truely want to say, because I'm so scared that I'll be rejected or something. I've always been "shy" its not just shyness, its my being awkward. I'm soo scared that I wont find someone who finds me worthy of what I'm truely feeling and saying. I just want someone to want to give a damn about me, not just idle chat or anything but to be there, no matter what. No matter how fucked up I might think or do things. How lazy I seem or whatever. It sucks, it really sucks feeling the way I do. I'll end up alone because of it, because of the shit I do and how I do it. I sorta blame my childhood too, the way I was brought up almost. No one hearing me, or listening to me. I've always been someone to just stay at home instead of going out to meet new people. Its just the way I am I guess, socially awkward and bound to be alone.


Blah, the joys of insomia, freak outs no sleep, and a post that makes no fuckin sense.....Oh, and a headache as big as texas... :(


Oh, my birthday is on Tuesday (I bet it'll be shitastic - no one to celebrate with, parents work nights...no one to drink with, no one to do anything with. Its gunna suck the big one....yay :()

yeah...

Sooo

I still feel crappy. yay? Nah, not yay. Whatever though, ok so. School is still a go. I need to get out of here, but first I need to make money. So I'm taking a job thats nights. Its not that great of a job but its money & something else on my resume.

The way I feel, is so blah. Depressed almost, I feel like crying a lot. Over the silliest things, its so damn stupid. I just want to be happy, or content. I want to smile without having to force it, I dont want my inside to be hurting while my outside has to look happy. It shows in my eyes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I just dont want to fake it, I want to be it. I dont know what else to say...

I...dont know

What I want to do with anything

Theres basically no jobs here that I want.

This sucks

I feel crappy.


Blah

My house - the future

So, I want to build my own house. I kinda know what I want it to look like. I'll try to explain it to the best that I can.

I want, 4 rooms, 3 bath. 3 rooms upstairs, and one downstairs. The kitchen would be big, with an island and a double door fridge - all black/steel coloured with the doors & such wood - in homage to my dad. I want a nice dining room with a big table & lots of chairs. The master bedroom would be big enough for a full walk in closet, and a bathroom with a shower & jacuzzi bath 2 sinks & enough storage for all my crap. The other 3 bedrooms would be big enough for a baby to grow into a child, then into a teenager. The bottom floor bedroom would be the same style, but with the bathroom just outside the door not sure if I want to have my (future) daughter or son in that room yet. I also want an indoor/outdoor pool - my clan is the otter and we LOVE water. I even want a HUGE tank so I can live in the shower almost. I also want the walls well insulated since I'm not a fan of thunderstorms. I want a nice big living room with a kickin entertainment system along with surround sound installed. The basement would be the "hangout spot" with some cool features so my kids dont have to go out to find the fun, it'd be at home. I also want a big enough property where I could have my own little farm with horses & such. If I could have the house where I grew up in, or something like it. That'd be awesome.

My wedding - the future.

I still have loads of time to think of these things. I just like to fantasize about them. So, here goes. What I would like for, future wedding - house. This might be long, so I might split it into two. Yeah, this one will be my wedding that I would love to have some day. Btw, I'll be using "her" "she" and the like, instead of I.

So, what I would love is two weddings, one in the church where I grew up all both of our families there helping to celebrate in our love. The other, is a traditional wedding with a few people there some family that means the world to me - and a few family friends.

The church wedding well lets see. Start at the beginning I suppose, best place to start in any story right? She want a few bridesmaids - my sister (MoH), bestfriends 3 of them. 2 cousins all wearing, something of the same colour but not the same dress. Something that would suit them and their styles. She'd walk down the isle wearing something that she designed, to a beautiful instrumental piece and then she'd see him - the love of her life smiling at her as he sees his soon to be wife looking very gorgeous with a bouquet of calla lillies and babys breath - and hibiscus in her hair in a crown with a veil over her face - brother & mother walking her down by her side ready to give her away. We'd say our vows in front of God and their family & friends.

The reception would be at the Old Fort, in the big room. Food cooked and tasted & tested by the bride & groom. The cake would be gorgeous, only 3 tiers with 3 layers in each tier of the most delicious tasting cake & filling ever. Something simple & elegant. We would have all the little ones out by a certain time with the babysitters & someone to drive them to a hotel or the like. Then all the adults could party it up. With an open bar & a rockin DJ playing requests & songs that the wedding party put together. Then the newly weds would take off to somewhere to celebrate their new life together as a married couple.

A few days later, they would return. Having their closest friends & family around for the traditional wedding. She would get her stepdad to help her choose someone to bring them together as one in the spirit world. They'd wear traditional clothings and have a drum group there to bring her in with a beautiful song. Then there would be the feast pot luck style, with a cake made by the bride & her family. They then would all sit around, talking & laughing over coffee & cigarettes.

Thats what I want for my wedding(s). A girl can dream, right?