Proud to be Native.

I'm a happy duck. I feel like, maybe things are looking up. I'm figuring out what I want, and hopefully going to go after it!

Aaah, I'm also happy about other things. My mom & stepdad will be in on Sunday. I'm not going to camp :(, staying here and probably getting a little druk tonight. Pow-wow next weekend! That is something that I am REALLY looking forward to. I know, 2 VERY different things in the same paragraph. I dont walk the "red path" , I'm not completely sober all the time. I'm not your "traditional" native girl. Never have been, maybe when I'm older...

This pow-wow I'm really looking forward to it, cause theres going to be lots of drums, lots of dancers. Lots of GOOD food, I'll be helping to cook feast on the Saturday. Its just going to be, an all around good time. I dont know if I'm going to dance yet, if I take off with my cousin & her friend I probably wont since we'll be partying, but I'd rather stay on the rez then go to Sagamok. If I dont drink then I might dance but probably not in regalia. I still need to finish my regalia, maybe I'll post pics of it when its finished.

I am a proud ojibway woman though, I'm proud of where my people came from and where we are heading. We can do so much good with our knowledge. If we could take the time and really work out the problems with the gov't, 3rd world country settings right here in Canada. It really is sickining, when we could change that! If we could get many voices together, we could do so much, so so so much good. I'm hoping with electing a new AFN Grand Chief and maybe a new NAN Grand Chief that, it brings new voices to the table and rasises even more issues that are going on that those Grand Chief's who are helping our people really do something. We need to wake up, and speak out on the issues that affect the us as a whole.

Happier times in my life.

The last post, seemed a little dark and it was meant to be that way, I've been through some stuff but its not as rough as some other people had it. So I think this time I'm gunna write about some of the lighter moments in my life.

Even though most of my childhood is blocked, I still remember a lot of the happier times. I had a bestfriend, who my mom was bestfriends with her mom and we've known eachother since we were in diapers, she lived across the busy street right beside one of the corner stores. We did a lot together, we grew up together. She taught me about "growing up" and we still played with our barbies. I went to a good school and had friends, I wasnt always the girl who fit in but I still managed to be in the group of "popular girls". I bullied and was bullied. I've had another bestfriend who I've also known since I was in diapers. We're still bestfriends. I had a rockin childhood (other than that stuff that happend). Lots of friends, lots of laughs, I made it into the newspaper a few times, because of having fun. Junior High was alright, was involved in a lot of different things. I was in choir and liturgical dancing, both of which I loved. I was outgoing I had to be, and then I got put into councilling which brought up some memories of which I didnt want to remember. I was happier not remembering. The summer before I got into Highschool I lost a lot of weight, and I got more confidence and then when I got into highschool I lost even more weight. By grade 10 I had lost a couple friends but gained even more. Grade 11 was good, I was taking a grade 11 english course one semester and then a grade 12 english course the next, during this time I was getting to know my step-family a bit more. Grade 12 (which I took twice) were both pretty good. I graduated Highschool with my mom, my grama, my sister & stepdad and my auntie & uncle in the audience. I moved out on my own that following fall. Was pretty good I had fun partying, I had a lot of those. I met a lot of cool people. When I moved to where I live now, I met my stepdads siblings, and their children. I got to know my stepbrothers even more, and bonded with them over scrabble and UFC ppv nights. My stepsister & I didnt bond right away. We lived in that apartment for awhile but that fall we moved into a new place. It was there, where I lived and my parents. My stepbro moved in, that was pretty cool since I got to know him a lot better and his girlfriend. He moved out, and the stepsister moved in, it was then that we bonded and got to know eachother and actually like eachother. We bonded over drinking haha. I got to know my stepdad's neices and their mom. I got to love them. I finally met his nephew and hes a cool guy. I love my stepdad & his family.

That summer I believe, I was taken up to this reserve for a pow-wow. The last night of it, they did a dance called the "49'er" aka the "snake dance". I didnt have a partner, so my friend asked her cousin if he would dance with me. He said yeah, sure so we danced and after we finished they did some more dances and then they did the giveaway dance, when I went around to shake hands with everyone. I seen this girl saying something about him and really wanting him. I thought to myself "he doesnt want you". I was right, cause when it was my turn to go around I made sure to look into his eyes, smile and flirt subtly. It worked, cause I got a little note later on asking if we could go out on a date, I said yes, of course I did. That night, after everything was finished I was at this girls house, got the call and he came to pick me up. We walked down to the beach, and sat there for an hour or so just talking. We then stood there and had out first kiss which had so many sparks. I spent the night with him, and that morning I left for home. On the way home I thought "it was a one night stand, nothing would ever come of this". When I got home I crashed out and that night I got a message on yahoo, after that we stayed up many late nights talking on yahoo and on the phone. I still remember the day when I realized I was in love, I was walking to the store and it hit me I was in love. He came to shack up with me that fall, and we then spent many nights together. We had an LDR for the most part, lots of nights and days on the phone and online. We broke it off for awhile but got back together and that summer he ended up in jail. I stayed with him despite it. I talked to him daily, worried about him. Gave the people who listen in on the conversations a good show now & then. That fall, we broke up. (Thats the basics of my relationship with the dude who I loved at one point). I still hold a place for him in my heart and will always carry him there, but what we had is over.

Through all of that, I was finding myself. I still am but I took an early childhood education course where I met 3 awesome people. The course wasnt for me but I knew I wanted to stay in school, so I took the native childhood education course. I met even more great people, and re-met someone I used to have a crush on back in the day, hes a friend of mine now. That course wasnt for me either. I had fun with some of those courses and loved going to school. I took a little bit of a break, and that January of 08 my neice was born. Ever since then my heart has bursted with love and joy when shes around. I got a job that fall, and flew in the guy I was on and off with. We broke up (for the better). I loved the job I had, it wasnt hard and it wasnt easy. The following new year, my neice turned 1 year old and I started babysitting her full-time while her parents worked that was an awesome job. I got to watch this growing toddler and teach her new things, sing to her. She made me want to be a mama. Its now summer and I'm on vacation and having the best time. I cant wait to see my mom & stepdad on Sunday. I cant wait to see my neice when we go back home! I miss that little girl so much.

My life, in a nutshell.

I'm gunna share a little bit about my life.

I'm 22 as you know. Born to two loving parents and 2 olders siblings. I dont remember much of my childhood, I blocked a lot out. I was molested when I was younger, so most of my childhood surrounding that, I have blocked out to protect myself in a way. I grew up rather normally, going to school getting good grades, rebelling at times and getting in trouble for those times. I started to rebel further in High School, by skipping school and I started to smoke and do drugs and drink. I also started to have sex around this time as well.

When I was 16 years old, we found out that my father had cancer. They started doing chemotherapy, they also did a surgery. The cancer came back and got worse, by the summertime I was dating someone and in love. We broke up and a couple months later, I remember the date November 25th the Home Depot was opening and my brother had gotten a job there, we went for the "family day" they were having. I was thinking as I was walking along with my Dad that in a month, he wouldnt be coming home. He was getting worse and worse daily. That morning, he called the hospice and told them he couldnt take it anymore. So for that month, myself and my family made it up there daily, I even skipped school so I could have some alone time with him. We had a family meeting with the doctor and he said that he wouldnt make it past 2weeks, he made it after that, then they said he wouldnt make it until Christmas, and he did. I got a phonecall at 5:30am December 26th from my sister, saying that we would need to get to the hospice ASAP as he was getting worse. We got to the hospice and I went to lay down, I couldnt take the crying anymore. I got woken up at 8:00am and we stayed in the room, and said our last goodbyes. I was sitting beside my mom, his eyes rolled back she screamed "NOOOOOO!!!" he looked just past her and we all said "Its ok, go to that place you saw the other day, we'll be ok". He was waiting for my Grama to come up and be with us. We told him to go, and he did. I collapsed in the room after he passed away. The next few days are such a blur, I remember the funeral, and that was the worst day of my life.

I started rebelling even more after that, I was smoking a lot at that point. Both cigarettes and pot. I started going to school though, so I could graduate. The summer after my Dad passed away, I went on vacation to my Gramas (where I am now). While I was gone, my mom met someone, my stepdad. I met him quickly on my way on another vacation with a friend and her family. I got back and got to know him and at first hate him and his kids. Then I got to know him even more and I started liking him and my stepbrother, then my other stepbro. I graduated High School and the fall after I did, I moved out on my own. I was in college and liking drinking very much as I was on my own and of age to drink I was also sleeping around quite a bit with a few people. I then moved to where I live now, that following spring. I got to know and like my stepsister. I've since gotten to know my new family better. I love them, a lot. Ever since then I've been quite stable. Not job-wise since theres hardly any jobs up there, and I was in one serious relationship with someone who I did love a lot. We had a whirlwind of a relationship, met at his rez slept together that night and the next day I left for home and we thought it was a one night stand type thing. It wasnt, "that night" turned into a relationship quite quickly. We were together for 14 months with some rocky times, including me going through something very trying, and then him going to jail. We broke up that fall due to him cheating. I dated someone else on and off from that following new year until the following fall. Since then I've been single and working on myself and my life. Basically thats me, in a nutshell. Theres so much more but thats the surface of everything.


inspired by Kandee's vlog.

Sex & babies.

So, basically on Friday I am going to make a purchase its something that I've been wanting for awhile now. I'm quite exicted to buy it, because I'm 22 years old and having it would make my "single life" easier on me. If you cant guess what it is, then you must be young or cant read between the lines there, btw its a "personal massager". So yeah, I just feel that, its time to make that purchase, it's only $20 as much as 2 packs of smokes. Its worth it IMO. I havent had any type of, sexual anything in like 7 or 8 months. So this purchase will be a good one. Not having any sex, has been very very sucky. To be honest, I miss it, a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

Also, I've been "back & forth" on the whole wanting a baby thing. I mean, having my own child would kinda screw my plans up, for like school and everything. Just my life plans, and all that but having one, would also be maybe nice? Idk. I know I could handle a child right now but I dont want to. Babysitting my neice, they say that usually it makes a person NOT want a baby right? Yeah, for me she made me want one even more. When I talk to my friends about school then I think "I dont want one" but when I think to myself I think "I do want one". I've had a few scares and each time, I would hope that I wasnt. Yet when I found out that I wasnt, then I would want one. I think most girls/women go through this as well. I am going to wait, simply because even though I could possibly handle one right now it isnt the right time and when I'm ready for a baby then I'll be blessed with one. I guess I'll wait.

Anyways, its time to bake some cookies with my cousin. I did dishes and took down laundry earlier, time for some cookies!

Being single, and being happy.

Eh, was thinking earlier "I'm happy being single". Its the first time in a VERY long time that, I can say that and be truthful about it. I'm so used to being a relationship of some-sort. I was with a guy for awhile there, in love all that jazz. Stuff happend, it ended. Dated someone else, he cheated left me in the middle of the night for her. Ouch, men sometimes huh? Anyways, I've been single since, the end of November-ish. Somewhere around there anyways. I'm actually kinda happy being single, sure I romantasize about being in a relationship with someone, sharing myself with that person perhaps even dare I say it. Starting a family with that person -gasp-! Alas, it would throw my life off-track in a bad way, probably not. In a way that I'm not ready for, hell yes. Being single, means that I dont have to worry about flirting with so & so, or giving a guy that look or even making out with someone. There's no need for "Honey, what do we wanna go do this tonight" its, hmm what should I do tonight, what do I want to do. Theres no "we" in "single" but there is an "I" haha. I'm starting to like that "I'm happy with who I am" not all the damn time, but most of the time oh yeah. I'm a good person! I am quite the awesome. I'm glad I can stand being around me for long hours, lol. Ah, well its thundering outside. I should throw on the iPod and get some well needed rest. Only got 5hrs last night.

Want/need. New Moon *swoon*

Ugh, my browser just froze on me. Great yeah. I think I might get myself a mac-powerbook. I'm sick of dealing with this vista that just effs up on me. It runs slower, and everything. Bleeeh, even my mIRC thing, is effing up. Sick sick sick of this!!! People complain that a mac is expensive, uh yeah. It is, but its WORTH IT! I love my toshiba, vista has its good points but dude. This whole freezing, the internet and the toolbar, its a little annoying. Wait, no its very annoying. Its just, bleh. So when I get a job, yeah first thing I'm buying a new mac. I have plans for my money things that I've been wanting. License, mac, iTouch, hair products, cellphone. Not only wanting, but sort-of needing as well.

LOL! I just turned "fangirl". Yes, its about the oh-so either loved or hated New Moon movie, 2 new sneak peeks were released online, and my computer being the fukk-tard that it is. Decided that it didnt want me to watch it, so I'm going to have to wait. I'm exicted to see the movie though, I like to say that I'm not obsessed with it, but I am a little bit. I squeal I scream so yeah thats the 16 year old girl coming out in me. Its a little sad! Oh well, cant help it. I'm excited for the movie! I love the book so hopefully they didnt change things too too much, cause then I'll end up loving/hating it like Twilight which I have, of course. I love to read, I need more books since I've read the whole saga + the House of Night like, 3-6 plus times each. Addicted, a little bit.

Death...

I had a cousin pass away at the beginning of the month I didnt get to go home for it, which I wish I did so I could've been there for my family. Its alright that I wasnt there though, but I'm still having a bit of hard time knowing that I wont see her again, hear her laugh see her beautiful smile. I'm gunna miss her, thats for sure. I've dealt with death before, I lost my Dad a few years back in 2003. I lost my grampa before that in 2000. I've lost some friends as well. This death, since it close to home, it sucks. Just knowing that not only I will never get to talk with her again, she left behind 2 children. Whom she loved dearly, both of her kids had her whole heart. Those two, their hearts are broken forever. Her brother and sister, I wish I could've hugged them to tell them how awfully sorry I am. Her mom, my auntie, ohman. She left behind a lot of us, who cared deeply for her. They started a group on facebook, which I cant read without tearing up, looking at the pictures I tear up as well. It just, heartbreaking when you lose someone who you wish you had more time with. More time to learn about them, to talk with them. Give them a hug again and tell them you love them.

So, please take the time to tell your family & friends how much you love them and care for them. Life's too short not to. Its way to short sometimes.